It's been a long time

It's been a while. I think this picture says a lot about how things are going.

Yep, that was written by Samry. Nope, it wasn't a school assignment or "consequence" for unkind behavior. That was spontaneously written by her, for me. Feels amazing. Super amazing. I'll be back, I want to share more about where we are now and how I think we got here.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Dec 1: World AIDS Day

This year I haven't many words for World AIDS Day. I know this, we've come a long way, we have a long way to go and I want to be here when it is finally gone.

Teshome is Seven

Can you believe it?? Our little Teshe is seven years old! This year he will have been with us longer than he lived without us. I cannot really remember life without him and I am so excited to see what his future holds.

I am still amazed that I get to be his mom. He is an amazing little boy with an incredible heart. Rarely does a day go by that he doesn't amaze me with his compassion and tenderness for others. So, so proud of the person he is and the person he is becoming.

Seven things about our T-man:

1. Has mad golf skills. Seriously, between mini-golf and his golfing class he has probably hit about 10 holes in one. Are there golf scholarships for college??

2. Will try anything once. Anything. Love his adventurous spirit. Terrified of his adventurous spirit.

3. Wants to be a chef when he grows up - or a dancer - or a hockey player...

4. Has ninja like reflexes when it comes to catching flies.

5. Can work Matthew's iphone better than Matthew. Seriously, don't let Matthew tell you otherwise.

6. Has an amazing sense of humor. Get him and Jo-Jo together and they could take their act on the road.

7. When he loves someone he does so with everything he has. You get 100% of him and let me tell you, 100% of Teshe is one of the greatest things in the world.

Rockin' his new skateboard. 

Rock climbing at his party. Next year Matthew thinks he will be ready for the "real deal"...

Guests

This summer we found out about an opportunity to have an Ethiopian woman and her daughter live with us for a few months while her daughter was here for medical treatment. There were some delays with their visas (seriously USCIS, bite me), but they did finally arrive a little over a week ago. S (the mom) and little B (age 5) will be living with us until sometime before Christmas.

It is an interesting experience being the face of American families. I often wonder what S really thinks about us, how we parent, how we behave, how Matthew and I interact (we tease each other A LOT). I am also keenly aware that we have an opportunity to show what adoptions look like long after the children have come to America. S works for an adoption agency in Ethiopia and although her role is administrative, I am sure how we parent and how our children behave and interact will be a topic of conversation upon her return.

Honestly, I am very grateful for this opportunity. I am excited to share my home with these beautiful ladies and give my children a chance to spend some time with other Ethiopians. Little B is doing well, and the wonderful people at Gillette Children's Hospital are going to take great care of her. Right now the plan is surgery at some point in the next month. While I have permission from S to talk about them on the blog, I know Ethiopians are generally private about their health, so that's all I'm going to share about Little B's health for now.

Their trip here was their first time out of Addis, and I think the first week was a lot of culture shock. They have done amazingly well and the amount of English Little B has learned in just one week is crazy. Tonight S made shiro for dinner (one of my favorite Ethiopian dishes), everyone but Little B enjoyed it - she preferred bread with peanut butter!

Little B and S at the TC Harvest Festival

Hana

I have been sitting at this keyboard for twenty minutes trying to find the right words. In a situation like this, there are none. But I have to say something. To be silent on this is wrong, I can feel it in my blood. And so, the words that come after this will be sorely lacking. They can never convey the complex feelings I have in an accurate way. The words may fall short, but I hope my intentions are clear.

A few months ago I found out about a girl who died. Hana. A girl who was adopted from Ethiopia. A girl who was adopted from the same orphanage as Samry and my brothers. She was adopted by a family in Washington state along with a younger boy. At the time her death seemed "suspicious" and there were some serious concerns about the adoptive family. There was an investigation. This past week murder and child abuse charges were brought against her parents.

At the bottom of this article is the Probable Cause report from the Detective. It includes interviews with all children (6 biological and 1 surviving adopted) as well as other witnesses, who were friends of the family.

What was done to this girl was nothing short of systematic, intentional torture. This is not discipline or post-adoption depression or overwhelmed but well-intentioned parents. This is torture. Since reading the report, I keep picturing her in my mind, freezing out in her backyard, terrified, lonely, starving, alone, naked.

I belong to the private forum for AAI (Adoption Advocates International) the adoption agency that facilitated Hana's adoption. There have been many posts about this, most horrified and outraged, a few trying to encourage others not to "fan the flames" and even a small minority suggesting the parents may not be the monsters most are painting them to be - suggesting that Hana could have been a very difficult child.

I find myself firmly in the camp of characterizing her parents as monsters. I don't care what kind of child Hana was (and by all evidence provided she was a normal child), no one deserves to be treated that way. She was a child who died at the hands of her parents, at the hands of her mother.

There has been talk about what could have been done to prevent this. How did it go so terribly wrong? I've been in the adoption world for a few years now. I have been around adoption my entire life and while I am no expert, I'm also no beginner.

I think the problem starts with "saving" a child. People can and do adopt for many reasons, but the ones who scare me the most are the ones who are "saving" a child. They have slogans like "love one" or "save one" or "147 million minus 1". Adopting seems to be analogous to a girl scout badge. Of course, God and religion enters: "God has called us to adopt". Or "we see adoption as our ministry". Right, well after you get that badge or that jewel in your crown in heaven, an actual child with actual traumas will be living in your house and calling you mom or calling you the worst thing that ever happened to them. They may love you or they may smear their poop on your walls.

This isn't a joke and these children are highly fragile, priceless human beings. If you don't desperately want to be a parent, a REAL parent to these children, go find some other "cause". I don't pretend to understand God completely, but I feel confident that he isn't in the business of patronizing orphans, which is exactly what "saving" a child is all about. Adoptive families are great, but they are not some knight on a white horse. I am highly uncomfortable with any analogy that puts myself in the role of Savior, quoting Bible verses to showcase my Savior-like qualities. Believe me when I say that my children have saved me more times than I could ever "save" them.

I believe the adoption process is flawed. I have personally never heard of a family being turned down by a social worker. The social worker should not be a rubber stamper to approve any family that comes their way. I think more families need to be turned down. I think families should not be allowed to adopt two unrelated children at the same time. Does it work out some of the time? Yep. Are there are also countless stories of it being a terrible idea? Yep. Good ones cannot outweigh the bad.

I do not believe that people should be allowed to adopt special needs children unless they have gone through an even more rigorous home study. Today it seems the opposite, rules are more laxed for families adopting special needs. Agencies claim this is because special needs children are harder to place. I bet Hana would have been willing to wait an extra year or two to have parents that actually loved her. Putting children in the wrong families is not better than keeping children in institutions. They are both bad.

I also believe the process needs to be changed after the child comes home. Every country I know that does international adoption requires post-placement reports at least yearly. But, most countries allow them to come from the parents after the first year. This should be changed. I would happily pay each year for the social worker to come to my house and see my children. I think it should also include a Doctor's note. I think a little inconvenience for me is a small price to pay to keep children safe. If we have nothing to hide, why wouldn't we want this?

I could rant all day about the flawed elements of adoption (ask Matthew - sometimes I do). There is a young girl, a child who was murdered by her parents. There is a little boy was a victimized and traumatized in ways that break my heart. Nothing said or done now is going to change that.

My brothers remember Hana. They said she was their friend. They said she liked to read and was quiet. They said when the other kids were playing wild soccer games in the courtyard, she would be sitting quietly on the side, reading a book. She was shy, they said, and nice. They said she was nice.

Some thanks, a few thoughts and more to come

First, so glad to hear I am not alone in my struggle to find a balance. Sometimes just knowing I'm not the only one on the tightrope is a good feeling!

I've been thinking more about what I wrote in the last post, what the person on the "big board" wrote to give me pause and some of your comments. I think the answer will always be a moving target. What is okay now may not be as my children get older and perhaps at some point I will even shut the blog down. But, I really DO want to be a voice for "reality". I really do want to educate others about HIV and help to remove stigma and fear. I really do want to create a journal for my children. I really do want to support other families with attachment challenges and occasionally I like to climb on a soapbox!

So, this weekend I talked with Samry. I explained to her that I had a blog and what I wrote about. I gave her a few examples and offered to show it to her. I took a good 5-10 minutes explaining what I write, why I write it, what I will never write (specific behaviors) and the general "stuff" I talked about in my last post (all watered down so an 8 year old could understand - albeit a ridiculously smart 8 year old). I followed it all up with asking her if I could continue to write about her, about us, about her HIV. I told her even if she was okay with it now, she could change her mind later and I would stop. I told her if it really bothered her I would delete the blog.

Her response: "Mom, I really don't care. It's no big deal to me. Really, I think it's just fine." Then asked if we could talk about something more interesting - you know, like fairies and could I just please tell her if they are real or not. Ummm, okay.

I know I talk about Teshe and Joshua on the blog too, but Teshe already knows that and he loves seeing the pictures of himself on the blog. Joshua is too young to be consulted, but as he gets older that will change.

That doesn't mean there won't be changes to the blog. I may try to go back and remove my children's names, or change them for a nickname. I may delete old posts that I think shared too much. I haven't decided and I guess for now, that's okay.

As for anyone still reading this thing. To you, I want to make a commitment to be true to who I am and who my family is. No unicorns and rainbows, unless they are real. No made-up drama either, unless that is real too. My blog cannot really help anyone unless it's real.

The Ethics of Blogging

It's been a while, usually that is just because I am super busy, or super lazy. But, this time is different. I have been struggling with why I write this blog. Allow me to explain. This blog started out as a way for family, friends and other adoptive families to be a part of our journey to Teshe. Since then it has evolved into much more - the addition of two more children, two new brothers, attachment challenges, HIV, and the occasional soapbox rant from yours truly. In the future my family will experience more additions and until recently I assumed the blog would continue to evolve to include them.

But awhile ago I read this on the "big Ethiopia list"

"The thing we must remember is that our children came to us through tragedy. Our child's family is dead, dying, sick or so impoverished they are unable to care for their child. A first mom somewhere is suffering and heart-broken -- even if she willingly relinquished her child. Our adopted children live with the knowledge that they were placed with us as a result of their parent/s' suffering. At best our children will deal with trust issues, guilt and identity issues, and at worst they will live with an unseen wound that never heals. Is this really fodder for a blog? If your child was biological, would you be blogging? Would you be blogging about the same things? Are you using your blog as a vehicle to show what a good person or good parent you are? To gain admiration from other adoptive parents?"


It has caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate. Why am I doing this blog? Shortly after Samry came home I would have said it was to try to be a "real" voice for families struggling with attachment, but in doing so was I sharing too much of her inner angst that wasn't mine to share? I try to be careful when sharing my children's struggles. I try to keep the details of behaviors or the really "ugly" pieces private, because I think that is important. I also tried to be honest about my own struggles to attach. This is something I feel is sorely lacking in the adoption world and parents and children suffer because of it. I didn't want to contribute to the false idea that attachment challenges come from the children alone.


We decided to be open about our children's HIV status in large part because hiding it would require lying and we believe foster feelings of shame. I do not want my children to feel shameful nor do I want them to see HIV as something to hide. But, this is a public blog. It has always been public, I've never even attempted to monitor any comments. I also use my children's real names and if you read enough posts you can probably figure out at least the state, if not the town we live in. What if as my kids get older there are things shared on here they want kept private? 


I support adopting children with HIV, but I am worried it has become a badge people wear in an attempt to prove how benevolent or progressive or compassionate they are. I want nothing to do with that. So, how does blogging about it look different? I mean, isn't it just a form of "look at me, look at what I did"? 


And then, the writer's last two sentences. I'd like to think I share my failures as quickly as my successes. I would like to believe I do not create a phony looking family where everything is perfect or write the character of myself as some mom heroine. That isn't to say I don't recognize how fantastic my kids, husband and life is. I LOVE my life, but it isn't a neat, self-contained little package. I yell at my kids, I get mad at Matthew, Matthew gets mad at me, he yells at the kids, they yell at each other. Sometimes, not because my kids are behaving so badly but just because I am crabby, I take parenting short-cuts, ones that would raise the eyebrows of any attachment therapist. But, the perk of being your own editor is those days don't necessarily make it onto the blog. 


Don't get me wrong, I love my blog. I find the writing cathartic and stress-relieving. Some of my greatest support with Samry has come from comments left here. I also believe I can be a support for other parents walking similar journeys. Plus, I'm planning on turning it into a scrapbook/journal of sorts for my kids.

So, why do you blog? Have you struggled with any of these questions? I realize there are no right or wrong answers here, but I want to have confidence that I am making a good choice for my family.

Summer wrap-up

Looking back on the Summer of 2011, I'd say it was a great summer. No major changes to our family, no painful delays waiting to bring a child home, no moving, no major job changes, just fun in the sun. I must admit I am really enjoying this "down-time", but I am also excited for possibilities in the future.

So long Summer 2011. You were just what we needed!

The world's coolest slip-in-slide (powered by fire hoses!)

Daddy doing what Daddy loves best (torturing our children!)

My 6 year old - kneeboarding all by himself. 

4-wheeling at the cabin (that is Samry behind me)

Ah yes, the big boys. This looked a lot less like fun and a lot more like physical pain to me...

Their faces pretty much sum up their view of life..... 

Nothing like illegal fireworks to make men feel like men

The summer she mastered jumping off the dock without a life jacket!

Berhane and Teshe, two peas in a pod.

Doing a little hula dance.

Our family

Teachers and adoption

First day of school today. The kids were excited and so far everyone seems to be happy (I think I may be the happiest!). Adoption and adoption related issues can sometimes be a tricky thing to explain to teachers. This article was posted on a forum I read occasionally and I thought it was worth sharing. I sent it to both teachers last week and I think it opened the door for some good communication.

Unfortunately, Samry's teacher announced today (yep, the first day) about an assignment requiring baby/toddler pictures. Even after receiving this article from me, her suggestion was to have Samry just color a picture of herself as a baby. Hmmm, that is not going to help my daughter, who already feels different and part outcast, fit in. Never mind the fact that the "project" involving said baby photos has virtually no educational value. So, yes, I have a little more work to do.  Fortunately, her teacher seems very nice and I am hoping with more persistence from me she may finally "get it".

I do think it is important for teachers to remember that families are created in many different ways and kids come from vastly varied backgrounds. Older adopted children are not the only kids who could feel hurt by this kind of assignment. Children in foster care or children who immigrated to the US with few personal belongings may also have limited or no baby photos. Anyways, it's just one more unique layer when parenting adopted kiddos.

50 by 50

I turned 30 a few days ago. Yep, the big 3-0. I'm happy to say I've done a lot of living in my first 30 years. I have a lot more I want to do in the next 30 and as someone who believes if you write it down they have a better chance of happening here is my 50 by 50 list. This is my list of 50 things I want to do by the time I turn 50. They may change a bit over the next 20 years and I'm fine with that, but I want a list to remind myself of dreams and goals, the big, the trivial and the stupid.

1. Travel back to my children's birth countries with them.

2. Run/walk/crawl a marathon (I hate running, but I like accomplishments)

3. Go on a safari.

4. Get lasik. I would love to look at my clock in the morning and actually be able to read the time.

5. Learn to make bread from scratch.

6. See a ballet. I took Matthew once. He swore he would never go back. 

7. Change a tire all by myself. It's a pride thing.

8. Become a foster parent.

9. Go sky diving (again). I've gone twice before, but then hey I love me some adrenaline.

10. Take a vacation by myself. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to take a real vacation by myself. Matthew thinks it's weird.

11. Learn to iron. Seriously, I am terrible at it.

12. Read "Gone with the Wind."

13. Take photography classes.

14. Become a guardian at Litem.

15. Visit Asia - maybe China, or Thailand.

16. Have a garden. Be able to eat one meal from said garden.

17. Try to meet my children's birth families. 

18. Make a straight part in Samry's hair. This may be the hardest thing on this list!!

19. Play the piano again. 

20. See someone I know on COPS. This would be a life-long dream. Yep, I'm lame.

21. Never join the PTA. Call me a rebel, I would also include those sport picture pins and the stickers that go on your car showing how many people are in your family. Puke. 

22. Witness a cure for AIDS. I would settle for a vaccine.

23. Read the Bible. And just to be clear I get bonus points for this in heaven right? ;)

24. Go to law school. Or not, but for the love of pete have made a decision.

25. Read "A Little Princess" to my children. All of them.

26. Beat at least one brother in arm wrestling (I fear my window of opportunity is closing, if I can't beat Seguy this year, I may be out of luck).

27. Finally get caught up on photo albums. I would think 20 years from now should be plenty of time.

28. Watch Anne of Green Gables with my mom - again. 

29. Help Samry pick out a prom dress. Cry at how beautiful she is.

30. Go streaking or moon someone. Yes, I am super mature why?

31. Grow my hair really long, then cut it really short.

32. Do a 360 on a kneeboard.

33. Go on a vacation with my mom.

34. Survive my children being teenagers (I might still be surviving this when I'm 50 - if we have more kids).

35. Spend more time with my brothers - all of them.

36. Take Teshe to his first concert.

37. Take some cooking classes. I am a good cook, but I want to learn some cool tricks.

38. Support families with attachment challenged kids.

39. Help my children pursue their dreams.

40. Watch my youngest brothers graduate from high school, college and go on to do great things.

41. Drive a tractor. 

42. Live my convictions.

43.  Do a 30 days of nothing with Matthew and the kids.

44. Watch my parents dreams for their legacy grow into a reality. Be a part of it.

45. Learn a magic trick. Everyone loves magic tricks.

46. Swim with sharks. I mean in a cage. I mean me in a cage and the sharks outside the cage. 

47. Climb a mountain. A small one is fine. Really any hill with the word mountain in the name. 

48. Win a debate with my dad. A win shall be determined by a vote of non-participating witnesses.

49. Figure out what it means to be a grown up (perhaps realizing #48 is super childish???) 

50. Still be in love with Matthew.

Joshua's Family Day

Friday the 19th was Joshua's one year anniversary of joining our family. We weren't able to celebrate it that day so we celebrated today. He has grown so much in the past year. His growth chart at the Doctor is a straight line - going up! The chubby baby fat is coming in nicely. As Matthew likes to tell people, I have a real talent for plumping up little boys!

In the past year we have watched his tenacious spirit come out. When he came home he couldn't walk, talk, he was barely crawling. We watched him work so hard for months to pull himself to standing, then walk around furniture, and finally walk. Now he runs, gallops, hops, and jumps his way through the adventures of his day. This past weekend he was actually swimming at the cabin. I mean full out swimming (in a life jacket, but still, that sweet baby of mine is amazing).

As for talking, well, now I sort of wish he would stop! He has recently started to sing. His favorite song? Mumford and Sons - "The Cave", mostly because he can sing "I" like they do. The rest is just random sounds he throws in, but when the chorus hits he is ready with his "I---I-----I-----I"!

Do not be mistaken by the fact that he is the smallest member of our family - he is definitely running the show. Teshe and Samry cater to his every whim (okay, Teshe may not cater to every one). Jo-Jo Bear knows he is the baby and knows how to milk it!

I still find myself giddy with joy as I rock him to sleep sometimes. He is sweet, cuddly, funny, intelligent, enthusastic and a delightful little boy. As we mark these anniversaries with our children, I am reminded of how much they lost and how must their families lost so that we could raise them. I believe one day I will answer to all my children's parents for how I raised our children. It is a great honor Matthew and I do not take lightly. We are so blessed.

For Jo-Jo's day we went to a train museum. This little guy LOVES trains. 

He got to ride in the engine for a real train ride. He did not want to leave. 

Naturally cupcakes go well with trains. Mmmmmm.

Making AIDS history

Click here to see their individual stories.

The Family Bed - Part Deux

Long ago, before Teshe came home I learned about the "family bed". It is basically co-sleeping with your child, usually in your bed, for bonding. I was a big fan. big. fan. So, we did exactly that with Teshe and he slept smack dab in the middle of my and Matthew's bed for the first year he was home.

Full disclosure: Matthew was over the family bed in about a week, I was over it about 4 months later but Teshe would still sleep in our bed - if we'd let him! (We do still let him on occasion)

I know it isn't always convenient, or enjoyable and there are certainly different strokes for different folks, but when I am asked what helped the most with Teshe's transition and attachment, there is little doubt in my mind that the "family bed" was the most effective thing. Looking back I would never had done it any differently.

While I know co-sleeping significantly helped Teshe attach, I also believe it helped us bond with him. He was still quite little when he came home, but he wasn't a baby. Some of the ways that you can bond with a baby were harder to do with him. I think the family bed helped make up for that. It allowed us lots of opportunities to snuggle, to watch him sleep and spend large periods of time near each other.

Fast forward to Samry coming home. First, I was terribly ill with E.coli poisoning (or hell on earth as I call it), so for the first 2 weeks there was no one sleeping in our bed but me and Matthew. Then we moved into temporary housing while our new home was being built (yep, super stressful timing). After the move things were already in a really bad place with Samry and there was no way she could handle the intimacy necessary for co-sleeping. Plus, I was already struggling significantly with my own rejections of her and it was too intimate for me as well.

By the time we tried co-sleeping with Samry she had been home a few months. It went terribly. She thrashes in her sleep. real bad. Now it is one thing for a 3 year old to thrash a bit, but a long 6 year old has got some reach on her. So we shelved the family bed. I regret that. To this day I wish I had tried other ways of co-sleeping with her. But I was angry, I was scared, I wanted to get away from her, not snuggle in a bed with her. I still think it could be good for her if I would just lay with her until she falls asleep, but even that level of intimacy is struggle for her. What do you think? Two years later is it too late to try?

Anyways, fast forward to Jo-Jo Bear. He slept in a crib in our room as I needed to hear him breathing constantly or I would panic (yep, I'm super rational, why do you ask?). He was so little and breakable, I was afraid to have him in our bed in the beginning. Unlike Teshe or Samry he was a baby, in fact he was still getting a late night feeding, so there were lots of snuggles and holding times throughout his day. This winter we transitioned him to his room - across the hall and we were still doing a nighttime feeding. Not because he needed it, but because I couldn't let him cry.

So, about a month ago we ended up with him in our bed overnight - he was up really late with us (he is a HUGE night owl) and we just brought him in with us. Guess what??? That middle spot Teshe loves?? Yep, so does Joshua. He has now claimed the spot as his and has little interest in sleeping anywhere else.

Family Bed - round two, here we come. Any wagers on how long this one will last????