A Family Without Borders

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:21:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas from our family to yours.

Dec 1: World AIDS Day

2011-12-01T00:44:00.000-06:00

This year I haven't many words for World AIDS Day. I know this, we've come a long way, we have a long way to go and I want to be here when it is finally gone.

Teshome is Seven

2011-10-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

Can you believe it?? Our little Teshe is seven years old! This year he will have been with us longer than he lived without us. I cannot really remember life without him and I am so excited to see what his future holds.

I am still amazed that I get to be his mom. He is an amazing little boy with an incredible heart. Rarely does a day go by that he doesn't amaze me with his compassion and tenderness for others. So, so proud of the person he is and the person he is becoming.

Seven things about our T-man:

1. Has mad golf skills. Seriously, between mini-golf and his golfing class he has probably hit about 10 holes in one. Are there golf scholarships for college??

2. Will try anything once. Anything. Love his adventurous spirit. Terrified of his adventurous spirit.

3. Wants to be a chef when he grows up - or a dancer - or a hockey player...

4. Has ninja like reflexes when it comes to catching flies.

5. Can work Matthew's iphone better than Matthew. Seriously, don't let Matthew tell you otherwise.

6. Has an amazing sense of humor. Get him and Jo-Jo together and they could take their act on the road.

7. When he loves someone he does so with everything he has. You get 100% of him and let me tell you, 100% of Teshe is one of the greatest things in the world.

Rockin' his new skateboard.

Rock climbing at his party. Next year Matthew thinks he will be ready for the "real deal"...

Guests

2011-10-03T23:51:00.000-05:00

This summer we found out about an opportunity to have an Ethiopian woman and her daughter live with us for a few months while her daughter was here for medical treatment. There were some delays with their visas (seriously USCIS, bite me), but they did finally arrive a little over a week ago. S (the mom) and little B (age 5) will be living with us until sometime before Christmas.

It is an interesting experience being the face of American families. I often wonder what S really thinks about us, how we parent, how we behave, how Matthew and I interact (we tease each other A LOT). I am also keenly aware that we have an opportunity to show what adoptions look like long after the children have come to America. S works for an adoption agency in Ethiopia and although her role is administrative, I am sure how we parent and how our children behave and interact will be a topic of conversation upon her return.

Honestly, I am very grateful for this opportunity. I am excited to share my home with these beautiful ladies and give my children a chance to spend some time with other Ethiopians. Little B is doing well, and the wonderful people at Gillette Children's Hospital are going to take great care of her. Right now the plan is surgery at some point in the next month. While I have permission from S to talk about them on the blog, I know Ethiopians are generally private about their health, so that's all I'm going to share about Little B's health for now.

Their trip here was their first time out of Addis, and I think the first week was a lot of culture shock. They have done amazingly well and the amount of English Little B has learned in just one week is crazy. Tonight S made shiro for dinner (one of my favorite Ethiopian dishes), everyone but Little B enjoyed it - she preferred bread with peanut butter!

Little B and S at the TC Harvest Festival

Hana

2011-10-01T23:34:00.000-05:00

I have been sitting at this keyboard for twenty minutes trying to find the right words. In a situation like this, there are none. But I have to say something. To be silent on this is wrong, I can feel it in my blood. And so, the words that come after this will be sorely lacking. They can never convey the complex feelings I have in an accurate way. The words may fall short, but I hope my intentions are clear.

A few months ago I found out about a girl who died. Hana. A girl who was adopted from Ethiopia. A girl who was adopted from the same orphanage as Samry and my brothers. She was adopted by a family in Washington state along with a younger boy. At the time her death seemed "suspicious" and there were some serious concerns about the adoptive family. There was an investigation. This past week murder and child abuse charges were brought against her parents.

At the bottom of this article is the Probable Cause report from the Detective. It includes interviews with all children (6 biological and 1 surviving adopted) as well as other witnesses, who were friends of the family.

What was done to this girl was nothing short of systematic, intentional torture. This is not discipline or post-adoption depression or overwhelmed but well-intentioned parents. This is torture. Since reading the report, I keep picturing her in my mind, freezing out in her backyard, terrified, lonely, starving, alone, naked.

I belong to the private forum for AAI (Adoption Advocates International) the adoption agency that facilitated Hana's adoption. There have been many posts about this, most horrified and outraged, a few trying to encourage others not to "fan the flames" and even a small minority suggesting the parents may not be the monsters most are painting them to be - suggesting that Hana could have been a very difficult child.

I find myself firmly in the camp of characterizing her parents as monsters. I don't care what kind of child Hana was (and by all evidence provided she was a normal child), no one deserves to be treated that way. She was a child who died at the hands of her parents, at the hands of her mother.

There has been talk about what could have been done to prevent this. How did it go so terribly wrong? I've been in the adoption world for a few years now. I have been around adoption my entire life and while I am no expert, I'm also no beginner.

I think the problem starts with "saving" a child. People can and do adopt for many reasons, but the ones who scare me the most are the ones who are "saving" a child. They have slogans like "love one" or "save one" or "147 million minus 1". Adopting seems to be analogous to a girl scout badge. Of course, God and religion enters: "God has called us to adopt". Or "we see adoption as our ministry". Right, well after you get that badge or that jewel in your crown in heaven, an actual child with actual traumas will be living in your house and calling you mom or calling you the worst thing that ever happened to them. They may love you or they may smear their poop on your walls.

This isn't a joke and these children are highly fragile, priceless human beings. If you don't desperately want to be a parent, a REAL parent to these children, go find some other "cause". I don't pretend to understand God completely, but I feel confident that he isn't in the business of patronizing orphans, which is exactly what "saving" a child is all about. Adoptive families are great, but they are not some knight on a white horse. I am highly uncomfortable with any analogy that puts myself in the role of Savior, quoting Bible verses to showcase my Savior-like qualities. Believe me when I say that my children have saved me more times than I could ever "save" them.

I believe the adoption process is flawed. I have personally never heard of a family being turned down by a social worker. The social worker should not be a rubber stamper to approve any family that comes their way. I think more families need to be turned down. I think families should not be allowed to adopt two unrelated children at the same time. Does it work out some of the time? Yep. Are there are also countless stories of it being a terrible idea? Yep. Good ones cannot outweigh the bad.

I do not believe that people should be allowed to adopt special needs children unless they have gone through an even more rigorous home study. Today it seems the opposite, rules are more laxed for families adopting special needs. Agencies claim this is because special needs children are harder to place. I bet Hana would have been willing to wait an extra year or two to have parents that actually loved her. Putting children in the wrong families is not better than keeping children in institutions. They are both bad.

I also believe the process needs to be changed after the child comes home. Every country I know that does international adoption requires post-placement reports at least yearly. But, most countries allow them to come from the parents after the first year. This should be changed. I would happily pay each year for the social worker to come to my house and see my children. I think it should also include a Doctor's note. I think a little inconvenience for me is a small price to pay to keep children safe. If we have nothing to hide, why wouldn't we want this?

I could rant all day about the flawed elements of adoption (ask Matthew - sometimes I do). There is a young girl, a child who was murdered by her parents. There is a little boy was a victimized and traumatized in ways that break my heart. Nothing said or done now is going to change that.

My brothers remember Hana. They said she was their friend. They said she liked to read and was quiet. They said when the other kids were playing wild soccer games in the courtyard, she would be sitting quietly on the side, reading a book. She was shy, they said, and nice. They said she was nice.

Some thanks, a few thoughts and more to come

2011-09-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

First, so glad to hear I am not alone in my struggle to find a balance. Sometimes just knowing I'm not the only one on the tightrope is a good feeling!

I've been thinking more about what I wrote in the last post, what the person on the "big board" wrote to give me pause and some of your comments. I think the answer will always be a moving target. What is okay now may not be as my children get older and perhaps at some point I will even shut the blog down. But, I really DO want to be a voice for "reality". I really do want to educate others about HIV and help to remove stigma and fear. I really do want to create a journal for my children. I really do want to support other families with attachment challenges and occasionally I like to climb on a soapbox!

So, this weekend I talked with Samry. I explained to her that I had a blog and what I wrote about. I gave her a few examples and offered to show it to her. I took a good 5-10 minutes explaining what I write, why I write it, what I will never write (specific behaviors) and the general "stuff" I talked about in my last post (all watered down so an 8 year old could understand - albeit a ridiculously smart 8 year old). I followed it all up with asking her if I could continue to write about her, about us, about her HIV. I told her even if she was okay with it now, she could change her mind later and I would stop. I told her if it really bothered her I would delete the blog.

Her response: "Mom, I really don't care. It's no big deal to me. Really, I think it's just fine." Then asked if we could talk about something more interesting - you know, like fairies and could I just please tell her if they are real or not. Ummm, okay.

I know I talk about Teshe and Joshua on the blog too, but Teshe already knows that and he loves seeing the pictures of himself on the blog. Joshua is too young to be consulted, but as he gets older that will change.

That doesn't mean there won't be changes to the blog. I may try to go back and remove my children's names, or change them for a nickname. I may delete old posts that I think shared too much. I haven't decided and I guess for now, that's okay.

As for anyone still reading this thing. To you, I want to make a commitment to be true to who I am and who my family is. No unicorns and rainbows, unless they are real. No made-up drama either, unless that is real too. My blog cannot really help anyone unless it's real.

The Ethics of Blogging

2011-09-22T00:54:00.000-05:00

It's been a while, usually that is just because I am super busy, or super lazy. But, this time is different. I have been struggling with why I write this blog. Allow me to explain. This blog started out as a way for family, friends and other adoptive families to be a part of our journey to Teshe. Since then it has evolved into much more - the addition of two more children, two new brothers, attachment challenges, HIV, and the occasional soapbox rant from yours truly. In the future my family will experience more additions and until recently I assumed the blog would continue to evolve to include them.

But awhile ago I read this on the "big Ethiopia list"

"The thing we must remember is that our children came to us through tragedy. Our child's family is dead, dying, sick or so impoverished they are unable to care for their child. A first mom somewhere is suffering and heart-broken -- even if she willingly relinquished her child. Our adopted children live with the knowledge that they were placed with us as a result of their parent/s' suffering. At best our children will deal with trust issues, guilt and identity issues, and at worst they will live with an unseen wound that never heals. Is this really fodder for a blog? If your child was biological, would you be blogging? Would you be blogging about the same things? Are you using your blog as a vehicle to show what a good person or good parent you are? To gain admiration from other adoptive parents?"

It has caused me to take a step back and re-evaluate. Why am I doing this blog? Shortly after Samry came home I would have said it was to try to be a "real" voice for families struggling with attachment, but in doing so was I sharing too much of her inner angst that wasn't mine to share? I try to be careful when sharing my children's struggles. I try to keep the details of behaviors or the really "ugly" pieces private, because I think that is important. I also tried to be honest about my own struggles to attach. This is something I feel is sorely lacking in the adoption world and parents and children suffer because of it. I didn't want to contribute to the false idea that attachment challenges come from the children alone.

We decided to be open about our children's HIV status in large part because hiding it would require lying and we believe foster feelings of shame. I do not want my children to feel shameful nor do I want them to see HIV as something to hide. But, this is a public blog. It has always been public, I've never even attempted to monitor any comments. I also use my children's real names and if you read enough posts you can probably figure out at least the state, if not the town we live in. What if as my kids get older there are things shared on here they want kept private?

I support adopting children with HIV, but I am worried it has become a badge people wear in an attempt to prove how benevolent or progressive or compassionate they are. I want nothing to do with that. So, how does blogging about it look different? I mean, isn't it just a form of "look at me, look at what I did"?

And then, the writer's last two sentences. I'd like to think I share my failures as quickly as my successes. I would like to believe I do not create a phony looking family where everything is perfect or write the character of myself as some mom heroine. That isn't to say I don't recognize how fantastic my kids, husband and life is. I LOVE my life, but it isn't a neat, self-contained little package. I yell at my kids, I get mad at Matthew, Matthew gets mad at me, he yells at the kids, they yell at each other. Sometimes, not because my kids are behaving so badly but just because I am crabby, I take parenting short-cuts, ones that would raise the eyebrows of any attachment therapist. But, the perk of being your own editor is those days don't necessarily make it onto the blog.

Don't get me wrong, I love my blog. I find the writing cathartic and stress-relieving. Some of my greatest support with Samry has come from comments left here. I also believe I can be a support for other parents walking similar journeys. Plus, I'm planning on turning it into a scrapbook/journal of sorts for my kids.

So, why do you blog? Have you struggled with any of these questions? I realize there are no right or wrong answers here, but I want to have confidence that I am making a good choice for my family.

Summer wrap-up

2011-09-08T12:50:00.001-05:00

Looking back on the Summer of 2011, I'd say it was a great summer. No major changes to our family, no painful delays waiting to bring a child home, no moving, no major job changes, just fun in the sun. I must admit I am really enjoying this "down-time", but I am also excited for possibilities in the future.

So long Summer 2011. You were just what we needed!

The world's coolest slip-in-slide (powered by fire hoses!)

Daddy doing what Daddy loves best (torturing our children!)

My 6 year old - kneeboarding all by himself.

4-wheeling at the cabin (that is Samry behind me)

Ah yes, the big boys. This looked a lot less like fun and a lot more like physical pain to me...

Their faces pretty much sum up their view of life.....

Nothing like illegal fireworks to make men feel like men

The summer she mastered jumping off the dock without a life jacket!

Berhane and Teshe, two peas in a pod.

Doing a little hula dance.

Our family

Teachers and adoption

2011-09-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

First day of school today. The kids were excited and so far everyone seems to be happy (I think I may be the happiest!). Adoption and adoption related issues can sometimes be a tricky thing to explain to teachers. This article was posted on a forum I read occasionally and I thought it was worth sharing. I sent it to both teachers last week and I think it opened the door for some good communication.

Unfortunately, Samry's teacher announced today (yep, the first day) about an assignment requiring baby/toddler pictures. Even after receiving this article from me, her suggestion was to have Samry just color a picture of herself as a baby. Hmmm, that is not going to help my daughter, who already feels different and part outcast, fit in. Never mind the fact that the "project" involving said baby photos has virtually no educational value. So, yes, I have a little more work to do. Fortunately, her teacher seems very nice and I am hoping with more persistence from me she may finally "get it".

I do think it is important for teachers to remember that families are created in many different ways and kids come from vastly varied backgrounds. Older adopted children are not the only kids who could feel hurt by this kind of assignment. Children in foster care or children who immigrated to the US with few personal belongings may also have limited or no baby photos. Anyways, it's just one more unique layer when parenting adopted kiddos.

50 by 50

2011-08-31T19:33:00.000-05:00

I turned 30 a few days ago. Yep, the big 3-0. I'm happy to say I've done a lot of living in my first 30 years. I have a lot more I want to do in the next 30 and as someone who believes if you write it down they have a better chance of happening here is my 50 by 50 list. This is my list of 50 things I want to do by the time I turn 50. They may change a bit over the next 20 years and I'm fine with that, but I want a list to remind myself of dreams and goals, the big, the trivial and the stupid.

1. Travel back to my children's birth countries with them.

2. Run/walk/crawl a marathon (I hate running, but I like accomplishments)

3. Go on a safari.

4. Get lasik. I would love to look at my clock in the morning and actually be able to read the time.

5. Learn to make bread from scratch.

6. See a ballet. I took Matthew once. He swore he would never go back.

7. Change a tire all by myself. It's a pride thing.

8. Become a foster parent.

9. Go sky diving (again). I've gone twice before, but then hey I love me some adrenaline.

10. Take a vacation by myself. I don't know why, but I've always wanted to take a real vacation by myself. Matthew thinks it's weird.

11. Learn to iron. Seriously, I am terrible at it.

12. Read "Gone with the Wind."

13. Take photography classes.

14. Become a guardian at Litem.

15. Visit Asia - maybe China, or Thailand.

16. Have a garden. Be able to eat one meal from said garden.

17. Try to meet my children's birth families.

18. Make a straight part in Samry's hair. This may be the hardest thing on this list!!

19. Play the piano again.

20. See someone I know on COPS. This would be a life-long dream. Yep, I'm lame.

21. Never join the PTA. Call me a rebel, I would also include those sport picture pins and the stickers that go on your car showing how many people are in your family. Puke.

22. Witness a cure for AIDS. I would settle for a vaccine.

23. Read the Bible. And just to be clear I get bonus points for this in heaven right? ;)

24. Go to law school. Or not, but for the love of pete have made a decision.

25. Read "A Little Princess" to my children. All of them.

26. Beat at least one brother in arm wrestling (I fear my window of opportunity is closing, if I can't beat Seguy this year, I may be out of luck).

27. Finally get caught up on photo albums. I would think 20 years from now should be plenty of time.

28. Watch Anne of Green Gables with my mom - again.

29. Help Samry pick out a prom dress. Cry at how beautiful she is.

30. Go streaking or moon someone. Yes, I am super mature why?

31. Grow my hair really long, then cut it really short.

32. Do a 360 on a kneeboard.

33. Go on a vacation with my mom.

34. Survive my children being teenagers (I might still be surviving this when I'm 50 - if we have more kids).

35. Spend more time with my brothers - all of them.

36. Take Teshe to his first concert.

37. Take some cooking classes. I am a good cook, but I want to learn some cool tricks.

38. Support families with attachment challenged kids.

39. Help my children pursue their dreams.

40. Watch my youngest brothers graduate from high school, college and go on to do great things.

41. Drive a tractor.

42. Live my convictions.

43. Do a 30 days of nothing with Matthew and the kids.

44. Watch my parents dreams for their legacy grow into a reality. Be a part of it.

45. Learn a magic trick. Everyone loves magic tricks.

46. Swim with sharks. I mean in a cage. I mean me in a cage and the sharks outside the cage.

47. Climb a mountain. A small one is fine. Really any hill with the word mountain in the name.

48. Win a debate with my dad. A win shall be determined by a vote of non-participating witnesses.

49. Figure out what it means to be a grown up (perhaps realizing #48 is super childish???)

50. Still be in love with Matthew.

Joshua's Family Day

2011-08-27T22:38:00.000-05:00

Friday the 19th was Joshua's one year anniversary of joining our family. We weren't able to celebrate it that day so we celebrated today. He has grown so much in the past year. His growth chart at the Doctor is a straight line - going up! The chubby baby fat is coming in nicely. As Matthew likes to tell people, I have a real talent for plumping up little boys!

In the past year we have watched his tenacious spirit come out. When he came home he couldn't walk, talk, he was barely crawling. We watched him work so hard for months to pull himself to standing, then walk around furniture, and finally walk. Now he runs, gallops, hops, and jumps his way through the adventures of his day. This past weekend he was actually swimming at the cabin. I mean full out swimming (in a life jacket, but still, that sweet baby of mine is amazing).

As for talking, well, now I sort of wish he would stop! He has recently started to sing. His favorite song? Mumford and Sons - "The Cave", mostly because he can sing "I" like they do. The rest is just random sounds he throws in, but when the chorus hits he is ready with his "I---I-----I-----I"!

Do not be mistaken by the fact that he is the smallest member of our family - he is definitely running the show. Teshe and Samry cater to his every whim (okay, Teshe may not cater to every one). Jo-Jo Bear knows he is the baby and knows how to milk it!

I still find myself giddy with joy as I rock him to sleep sometimes. He is sweet, cuddly, funny, intelligent, enthusastic and a delightful little boy. As we mark these anniversaries with our children, I am reminded of how much they lost and how must their families lost so that we could raise them. I believe one day I will answer to all my children's parents for how I raised our children. It is a great honor Matthew and I do not take lightly. We are so blessed.

For Jo-Jo's day we went to a train museum. This little guy LOVES trains.

He got to ride in the engine for a real train ride. He did not want to leave.

Naturally cupcakes go well with trains. Mmmmmm.

Making AIDS history

2011-08-25T10:56:00.000-05:00

Click here to see their individual stories.

The Family Bed - Part Deux

2011-08-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

Long ago, before Teshe came home I learned about the "family bed". It is basically co-sleeping with your child, usually in your bed, for bonding. I was a big fan. big. fan. So, we did exactly that with Teshe and he slept smack dab in the middle of my and Matthew's bed for the first year he was home.

Full disclosure: Matthew was over the family bed in about a week, I was over it about 4 months later but Teshe would still sleep in our bed - if we'd let him! (We do still let him on occasion)

I know it isn't always convenient, or enjoyable and there are certainly different strokes for different folks, but when I am asked what helped the most with Teshe's transition and attachment, there is little doubt in my mind that the "family bed" was the most effective thing. Looking back I would never had done it any differently.

While I know co-sleeping significantly helped Teshe attach, I also believe it helped us bond with him. He was still quite little when he came home, but he wasn't a baby. Some of the ways that you can bond with a baby were harder to do with him. I think the family bed helped make up for that. It allowed us lots of opportunities to snuggle, to watch him sleep and spend large periods of time near each other.

Fast forward to Samry coming home. First, I was terribly ill with E.coli poisoning (or hell on earth as I call it), so for the first 2 weeks there was no one sleeping in our bed but me and Matthew. Then we moved into temporary housing while our new home was being built (yep, super stressful timing). After the move things were already in a really bad place with Samry and there was no way she could handle the intimacy necessary for co-sleeping. Plus, I was already struggling significantly with my own rejections of her and it was too intimate for me as well.

By the time we tried co-sleeping with Samry she had been home a few months. It went terribly. She thrashes in her sleep. real bad. Now it is one thing for a 3 year old to thrash a bit, but a long 6 year old has got some reach on her. So we shelved the family bed. I regret that. To this day I wish I had tried other ways of co-sleeping with her. But I was angry, I was scared, I wanted to get away from her, not snuggle in a bed with her. I still think it could be good for her if I would just lay with her until she falls asleep, but even that level of intimacy is struggle for her. What do you think? Two years later is it too late to try?

Anyways, fast forward to Jo-Jo Bear. He slept in a crib in our room as I needed to hear him breathing constantly or I would panic (yep, I'm super rational, why do you ask?). He was so little and breakable, I was afraid to have him in our bed in the beginning. Unlike Teshe or Samry he was a baby, in fact he was still getting a late night feeding, so there were lots of snuggles and holding times throughout his day. This winter we transitioned him to his room - across the hall and we were still doing a nighttime feeding. Not because he needed it, but because I couldn't let him cry.

So, about a month ago we ended up with him in our bed overnight - he was up really late with us (he is a HUGE night owl) and we just brought him in with us. Guess what??? That middle spot Teshe loves?? Yep, so does Joshua. He has now claimed the spot as his and has little interest in sleeping anywhere else.

Family Bed - round two, here we come. Any wagers on how long this one will last????

Dang

2011-08-09T19:02:00.000-05:00

So clearly Samry reads this blog and realized she was letting her guard down too much.

In all seriousness, it's hard to keep remembering that this attachment stuff is a not a race with a finish line. I'm usually more cautious when things are going well, waiting for something to fall apart. This time, I wasn't. Now I remember why I'm so cautious - it hurts less.

BUT, as I told Samry today, I'm not quitting, I'm never quitting. She is stuck with me forever and too bad if she doesn't like it. Nanana-boo-boo.

Camp

2011-08-04T17:11:00.000-05:00

Samry had her hair braided and beaded for camp (we had it done at the salon).

Before Matthew and I got away, Samry had her first camp experience. She went to an overnight camp for children effected by HIV. That could mean they have HIV or someone they love has HIV.

Initially when we signed her up it was mostly because I wanted to have planned breaks in our summer - both for her and for me. As the date got closer I started to worry the separation was going to be too long and questioned all the possible fallout that could happen. I questioned if she was too young, too unattached, too whatever.

But I kept reminding myself how important breaks can be and not just for me. Allowing her that week at camp can give her a break from the pressure of being the attachment-challenged kid. I don't mean that we call her that, of course not, but she is painfully aware that functioning in our family is much more difficult than it is for her brothers.

So, with a suitcase full of hidden encouragement notes, a letter already in the mail for her to receive at camp and another just waiting for the strategic day to mail, she and I headed off. It was about a 2 hour drive from our house (most kids fly in from all over the country, we are so fortunate to be near the camp).

I was prepared for her to run out of the car when we arrived and never look back. I was prepared for her to be nervous and scared. I was prepared for me to be excited for a week's break. I wasn't prepared for what happened.

We arrived and every camp counselor came running over to the car to sing her the welcome song, so far, so good. Then we checked her in and she started to act a little nervous, so I stayed with her for a bit while she started some arts and crafts with a few other girls. Then came time for me to leave and something crazy happened.

I didn't want to leave her. She suddenly looked so small and helpless. For the first time in a very long time she looked like a little child who was afraid to leave her mom and aside from knowing I was her mom, I felt like her mom. Huge. Enormous.

She has been home for about 22 months and while I know I am her mom, I rarely feel like her mom. There was no mistake, as I pulled out of the camp I had to fight every bone in my body that wanted me to turn the car back around and bring her back home with me.

The week went well for both of us. It was nice to spend some quality time with my boys and have a little less drama around! Samry had a wonderful time at camp, she made friends easily for the first time since coming home and already has big plans for what she will do at next year's camp. She was also the only kid at camp who received letters from home which made her feel really special (she said her friends wished I was their mom - HUGE for an attachment-challenged child to hear!).

At the end of the week as I pulled into camp she was waiting for me outside the lodge. She ran over to me, gave me a big, long hug and announced she had a great time but missed ME and was ready to come home. Ditto.

Refreshed

2011-08-02T12:43:00.000-05:00

When you have kids your life changes in so many ways. Of course, the obvious - you have kids. But your life changes in other ways too. For example, personal hygiene takes a serious dive. Every time I get my eyebrows waxed (I am a big wuss about plucking), they break out a chainsaw, okay maybe not chainsaw, but it feels like they rip out a forest of hair.

Sweats become something you live in, not just wear on Saturdays. These sweats may or may not have been washed in weeks. The house becomes something that is "managed" not so much cleaned. As in we "managed" to find an open spot on the kitchen counter which means we won't have to clean until next week.

These things are really no big deal. No one gets to the end of their life and laments their bushy eyebrows or sticky counters. But, sometimes the things we shove on the back burner do matter. For those of us who are married, it's easy to put our partner on the back burner.

It's easy to do, after all, they are adults and understand that when kids are little, life is all about the kids. I am guilty of this. I think one day soon the kids will be demanding we bugger out of their business, so enjoy it while we can. And yes, that is true, but if I don't invest in my marriage, there will be nothing to enjoy when the kids actually do fly the nest, in fact, the marriage may not even last until the kids leave.

I think Matthew and I realized we needed to make our relationship a bigger priority about two years ago. It is easy to recognize, harder to actually make the time. We finally got away last week, just the two of us. It was wonderful, did amazing things for our relationship and helped cement the actual foundation of our little family.

I joked that the money we spent on vacation probably helped our marriage more than spending it on any sort of marital counseling. Matthew agreed. We are back now and recommitted to making each other more of a priority. The trip helped us remember it can be fun to make a marriage a priority and not just another item on a to-do list.

Here is to the past 8 years with my best friend and a future with decades more.

Matthew at Hanging Lake

It was beautiful up there, the hike was crazy, but the view? totally worth it

Mineral Belt Trail (we biked up it, but there were actually people running the 12 mile trail - going UP the mountains)

LOVE Colorado

Paragliding (you run off a mountain top - it is AMAZING), I am in the red and green sail.

Me with my driver - I love adrenaline....

Ziplining over some gorges. Yep, a little more adrenaline

Summer Fun

2011-07-11T08:18:00.000-05:00

I just realized I haven't posted any summer pics yet (sorry - Facebook is just so much easier!). Enjoy.

Boat ride at Grandmas (Jo-Jo is not happy because mean mommy made him wear a life jacket)

Matthew took Tsegaye rock climbing - he was a natural

Yep, that's Tsegaye way up there - Matthew was so impressed

Umm, he thinks he's smiling...

Waiting for the Roseville Parade to start (that thing was 2 1/2 hours long. I mean really, how many marching bands does one parade need? Evidentially 14, yep 14 marching bands)

The Jimmy John's "float". By far the favorite as they threw JJ sandwiches

Jo-Jo yelling at Teshe to give him a bite...

Mmmmm, delicious.

Riding a Carousal at a horse farm

Feeding the horses

She has already asked about going to horse camp next year about 79 times (and we only went to the horse farm yesterday...)

Wanted to know why he couldn't ride a "buckin' bronco"

He loved it

Feeding some fish

The writing is on the wall

2011-07-05T23:32:00.000-05:00

Now that we are fully in the swing of summer, the weather is cooperating and Samry and I have recovered from my initial summer blunder. I wanted to share a parenting success (you know, instead of only failures).

Two weeks ago when things were spiraling down with Samry, she and I were talking in her room (during one of her many "taking a break" times). Anyways, she was talking about how she was so bad and only did bad things. The rhetoric of attachment challenged kids - I believe I am bad, therefore I will act in ways that prove that I am bad. I sat there realizing we've been in this cycle many, many times. She believes she is bad, she acts bad, she gets in trouble for bad behavior which reinforces her belief that she is bad, pushing her further and further in the cycle.

So, I stood there for a minute trying to figure out how to affirm the positive parts of Samry while still insisting on a minimum standard of behavior. I went downstairs, grabbed a bag of markers, came back up into her room and without saying a word went into her closet and did this.

She was sitting on her bed and couldn't see what I was doing, but no doubt was thinking I had gone crazy. When I was finished I had her come look. You could literally watch her change physically as she read the words. She started to stand taller, her shoulders weren't up around her ears anymore, and her face relaxed. No, it wasn't a magic bullet, but I believe it has made a big difference. Every morning, it's one of the first things she sees, and every night before she goes to bed it is one of the last.

Now, when she starts the cycle of "bad=bad" I can have her read the things on her wall. We also talked about adding things as we think about them or as she gets better at them (i.e. telling the truth).

Thanks

2011-06-25T14:48:00.000-05:00

There is a new report out by the Kaiser Family Foundation regarding Americans beliefs about HIV/AIDS. It covers a variety of components related to the disease. A disturbing finding in the report was the number of people who still believed you could contract HIV through casual contact (i.e. swimming with an HIV+ person, a public toilet seat or sharing a drinking glass). Based on the study 20% of Americans still believe you can contract HIV through casual contact.

It got me thinking about our life. Obviously with two HIV+ kids, the topic of HIV comes up frequently. In addition, we are a family who has chosen to live openly - for the most part. Our families know, friends know (adult friends), and even neighbors. Aside from some initial education needed by our family, we have never had a negative response. The people we have told were both supportive and equally important, educated about what HIV is and is not.

Anyways, it makes me proud of the people in our lives. It makes me grateful for the people in our lives. Reading these statistics made me wonder, "where are all these uninformed, narrow-minded people?" Because we sure haven't met them.

So, for those of you in our lives (both in bloggy world and the 3-dimensional one), thanks. Thanks for being supportive, thanks for being educated or willing to be educated. Just thanks.

Summer blues

2011-06-22T22:11:00.000-05:00

We're still here! Sorry it's been a while - the transition from school to summer break was rough - even with all my little plans and schemes, the first week of summer break went to hell in a hand basket faster than you can say "toldyouso".

I'm happy to tell you my fatal flaw, the one serious error the caused the whole ship to go down. Ready for it? I had no schedule for the first week. Stupid, stupid. What was I thinking? Well, I was thinking, 'hey, I bet the kids would like a couple lazy, laid-back days before I jump on them with summer school work, chores, sports, events, etc. We'll do whatever for the first week and then jump into a schedule/routine.' Dumb, so, so dumb.

See an attachment challenged child like Samry needs structure. Yes, all kids need structure. I mean she needs to have crazy, anal retentive structure. When she doesn't get that it takes 5 seconds for the whole world to implode.

What sucks is we had done so well up to the end of school. First, there was an incident at school - we'll leave it at that for now. Needless to say, it left Samry a bit panicky BUT, the important thing was Samry and I worked together to find a solution and help her feel safe. Then, there was a big project with lots of deadlines the last 3 weeks of school. There had been very little communication about it from her teacher (yeah, glad to be done with that one) and Samry was getting very stressed. So, I made the unilateral decision that she was not going to finish the project within the teacher's timeline. It was just too overwhelming and I was going to be damned if some stupid penguin project ruined the start of our summer. So, I told the teacher we would work on it after school was out and Samry would turn it in at the start of summer school.

Finally, Samry started panicking about the last day of school, okay, no problem. I told her she could be done one day early. (Clearly, I've decided education is taking a back-seat to attachment, but she is doing VERY well in school and not so much on the attachment front, so I think it's the right choice). The last day of school when her class was total chaos, Samry was at home coloring and playing with Teshe. Great.

So, I thought, she is doing really well, I bet she'd like a break from all that structure, you know experience some carefree livin'.

Umm, no Samry did not want to experience carefree livin'. Samry wanted no, needed the first week to be the exact opposite of what I did. Seriously, you would think I've never read an attachment parenting book. What is rule one for these kids???? Hello?? Structure, routine, structure, routine.

Now we are rounding the final turn on week 2 of summer break and I *think* we are just pulling out of our nosedive.

Yep, people learn from my mistakes and rest assured, next year I will whip out my schedules, charts and planners even before school gets out :)

War

2011-06-05T23:35:00.000-05:00

Thirty years ago a war was declared. Thirty years ago a microscopic virus, Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome would claim its first known victims. To be sure, there were victims before then, men, women and children who been the first to fall to the enemy. They were dead before the enemy had a name, before the world discovered a war had been declared, before mass hysteria, ignorance and mis-education would fuel the war and further torture the victims.

In the beginning there were those who insisted the war was a punishment for evil people. They pointed to "lifestyle choices" or misunderstood cultures as proof that God was clearly cleansing the earth.

As victims emerged in the most innocent groups it became harder to ignore that this enemy did not discriminate in its victims. Mass hysteria broke out, with whole communities running victims out of their schools. clinics, towns, homes, families. Yes, the enemy inflicted incredible pain upon its victims, and then societies did the rest.

That didn't mean the war was absent heros. The scientists who first isolated the virus and developed a blood test for the virus, a young boy who refused to let the virus destroy his soul, his compassion, even as it destroyed his body. A boy who would refuse to let society wash their hands of him and all those like him. The researchers who in 1986 created the first effective treatment to beat back the death sentence for every victim. The families who stood by their children, parents, uncles, or aunts and refused to let them suffer alone. The grandmothers who cared for the children left behind as the war took many parents in the prime of their lives.

Thirty years ago Acquired immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) declared war. Thirty years later the damage is unspeakable, 30 million dead, 33 million infected, at least 16 million children have lost at least one parent to AIDS. The numbers are staggering, but progress has been made. We are finally beating back the enemy. According to the World Health Organization AIDS related deaths have fallen 19% from 2004 to 2009. New victims have also fallen by 19% since 2001. Treatment has become more effective and the potential to live a long, full life is good.

But, the most important advancements in this war are still to come. To truly defeat this enemy there must be a vaccine to prevent the spread of this virus. The cold, hard truth is that every victim of this disease is just that, a victim. No one deserves this, not one. There must also be a cure to insure that the 33 million living victims are given a chance to live full, happy lives.

"When the story of these times gets written, we want it to say that we did all we could, and it was more than anyone could have imagined." Bono

Springtime pics

2011-06-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

Teshe has been begging ever since Jo-Jo came home to get matching mohawks. It was finally time! Who know a 2 year old could rock a mohawk so well?

Teshe lost his "big buckers". That is what he calls his front teeth. Matthew accidentally threw one of them away, so Teshe wrote a letter to the tooth fairy. It said: "I lost my bucker. Give me $5.......please".

Hambone.

Samry being silly.

Yep, two years old and already has the eye roll perfected.

Teshe kissing his "pipes". Naturally.

Samry's Birthday

2011-05-27T09:14:00.000-05:00

Samry turned 8 last week. We had a nice quiet birthday at home with just us (it's taken me a while but I've finally figured out that I have to stop letting her do more than she can handle - i.e. friend party). She picked her dinner, I made her a special dessert and she opened her presents. Then last weekend we had a birthday party with family - that day was much harder for her, but thankfully we were able to avoid any tailspin this week. For which I am extremely grateful.

Honestly, Samry's birthday was hard for me. It was a reminder that we have a very short period of time left to help her heal. If we don't get some of the bigger behaviors under control before she starts puberty I am terrified of what will happen with her. I wish I could have a more carefree attitude with her, but so much of the time things feels barely contained; as if we are just a step or two away from the side of a very steep cliff.

That isn't to say everything with her is bleak. She is doing incredibly well is school academically. She is reading at grade level (grade 2), is above grade level for math and has demonstrated incredible art skills. We decided this year to keep her out of any English Language Services, we felt the disruption from her day was worse than struggling through the language. We were also concerned because the ESL teacher was an enabler that allowed Samry to get away with terrible behavior and frankly encouraged an inappropriate relationship (given Samry's attachment issues). It was definitely the best thing for Samry. She has done great this year and her confidence in writing and reading have soared. She is incredibly intelligent and we are very proud of how hard she has worked.

Samry also started piano lessons this year. She loves them. Unlike me when I was a child, she practices happily every day. It is amazing to see how far she has come. There is no doubt, she has natural musicality and rhythm. Next weekend is her first real recital and I will be playing the duet part with her. She seems surprisingly calm about it, praying that continues until next Saturday!

There is no doubt Samry is a child with many gifts and talents. It is my hope and prayer that in this next year of her life she really starts to believe that and focus on developing her many talents.

Samry was very excited to finally fit in this pink skirt (I had bought it before she came home and it finally fits!). Also, she does not have a big belly, not really sure why it looks like that in the picture...

Love her face! She really wanted a kitchen for her birthday....

She wasn't the only one ready to play with her new kitchen! (Yep, the boys have matching mohawks....)

She was very excited to get the Sound of Music movie from Berhane and Seguy.

Sorry it's blurry, but it was the best picture of her with her cupcakes. Notice Jo-Jo Bear running over to "help" her!!

2011-05-12T13:18:00.000-05:00

"Where the West sees Africa as the place to make poverty history, the Chinese see it as the place to make money."

"Official Chinese websites, for example, stress mutual friendship and co-operation, economic, cultural, social and educational. Compare Britain's Department for International Development websites on Kenya and Ethiopia which begin by describing them as the poorest countries in Africa."

"As British aid agencies scurry around Africa trying to save it from poverty; and the Chinese businessmen and workers seek their fortunes there, the Americans are sending in the army. Washington has set up AFRICOM, a new American military command that will coordinate the United States' Africa policy.... Africa: where the French see international status and the British see an objet of charity, the Chinese see a business opportunity. The Americans, it appears, see Africa as a threat."

- chapter 17

"Already Africa is receiving more from trade than all the money from aid promised by world leaders in 2005. Aid will play only a minor role in the development of Africa."

"During elections in Ghana in 2000 radio stations deployed reporters at polling stations all over the country or simply asked members of the public to say on air what they were seeing. At the polling booths accounts of irregularities or outbreaks of intimidation were carried live on local FM stations. Suddenly the voices of ordinary people were heard - literally. At little cost mobiles made elections more transparent than all the monitoring by expensive international election observers in their four-wheeled drive vehicles."

"The aim was for Africa to meet the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs), a list of targets for good things like reducing infant mortality and getting more children into school by 2015. But the goals had been drawn up by outsiders with no serious input from Africans or their governments. Only Rwanda insisted on setting its own targets, and today Rwanda is one of the few countries which is reaching them."

"Indeed aid may actually prevent African countries from developing by allowing their ruling elites to avoid real long-term solutions. As they say in Uganda, 'Begged water does not quench thirst.'"

"It is significant that none of the most passionate advocates of aid for Africa are African. Aid can speed up development that people have already decided to care out for themselves and have the capacity to do so. it is also essential for vaccination campaigns and for ARVs to combat HIV/AIDS. Emergency aid is obviously vital to help the victims of war or natural disasters, but that is as true in Surrey as in Somalia. Small amounts of aid can also work well in local context. But aid from the outside cannot transform whole societies, whole countries. That can only come about through producing things and trading them or doing something someone else wants to pay for. Ironically, it is the capitalist West that still sees Africa as a continent that needs aid, while Communist and former Socialist governments like China and India see it as a business opportunity."

- chapter 18

This was the last chapter of Richard Dowden's book Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles. I hope some of you enjoyed or at least found the quotes I've been posting interesting. It is a great book on the modern history of Africa (minus a few countries).

Ahh, quiet

2011-05-04T19:48:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I leave for the North Shore. I will be going up without the kiddos or Matthew for a few days. I have never left my kids (other than for the adoption of another kid!), so it's a little overdue.

Seriously, I think we adoptive parents can be so obsessed about attachment parenting that we forget a little absence can make the heart grow fonder (as in our hearts). It's easy to become so paranoid that leaving our kids will have a negative impact that we don't give ourselves the breaks we need to be truly good parents (guilty). I think this is even more true for parents of attachment challenged kids. We know what would be waiting for us on the other side and think, "not worth it." Wrong. Very wrong. I've been making that argument ever since Samry came home and now I am beyond burnt out. I can't be a good mom to any of my kids when I'm burnt out, especially not her.

So, this weekend it's books, horribly unhealthy and ridiculously delicious foods, sleep and wait, listen, ahhh, quiet. Plus, I'm also making a commitment to myself to never again go three years without a real break - maybe next time I'll even let Matthew join me**!!

**Just so you don't think I'm that mean of a wife, Matthew has taken several weekends away since the kids have come home! Plus, we are planning a trip this summer for just the two of us.

Happy Kid's Day!

2011-05-01T19:06:00.002-05:00

Happy Kid's Day! Bet you didn't know there was such a thing as "kid's day" (either that or you are thinking, "every day is kid's day!") Well there is. My super awesome mother invented it when I was a kid.

Every Spring it seemed like we "needed" something - a new bike, rollerblades, new sports equipment, something that my parents would have bought for us, so why not turn it into something fun? Kid's Day became a day where we got a present (usually something to play with for the upcoming summer) that my parents would have purchased either way. It was hidden either in the house or outside. We would have a nice dinner as a family and my parents would usually give us a card with things they loved about us.

This day was created for a second reason too. My mom didn't like Easter becoming commercialized - all about candy and toys instead of what it was suppose to be about - celebrating the resurrection of Christ. So, this allowed her to keep Easter centered on what it was suppose to be and still do something "fun" for the kids! (We still did the Easter egg hunt, but it was made clear that Easter was about Jesus first)

I loved this tradition as a kid and have carried it on to my own family. This year the kids got a new trampoline (the old one had seen much better days). Matthew was up very late last night assembling it and of course it wasn't too hard to find! We enjoyed a "fancy" dinner in the dining room complete with cloth napkins and sparkling cider in wine glasses for the kiddos. We also had the kids go around the table and share something they loved about each other. It was really sweet to hear Teshe and Samry go back and forth listing off the things they loved about each other. Even Jo-Jo seemed to sense he was getting compliments and smiled his cheesiest smile as they talked about him.

So Happy Kid's Day to you! Take a little time to celebrate the kids in your life!

PS - Yep, I realize this is also May Day, but May 1st seemed like a very logical choice for Kid's day. On a warmer year we will do the May Day Parade and try to convince the kids it's to celebrate them!!

2011-05-01T15:32:00.000-05:00

"Survival is Africa's greatest talent. All over the continent Africans get by with skill and perseverance in conditions that would kill off other human beings in a few days."

"But the qualities needed to survive are opposite to the qualities needed to develop. To change the world around you, you must take risks, be open to new ideas and allow young people to experiment and break away from the old ways of doing things."

   - chapter 13

"Systematically dispossessed of land, homes and the opportunity to work, to have a family and a future, they were a slave class whose sole purpose was to provide cheap labour for whites. Above all, apartheid stripped them of their rights as citizens and their dignity as human beings."

"AIDS also takes its toll of the young. In 1997 fewer than 20,000 South Africans died in their thirties. By 2002 that figure had more than doubled. Anti-retroviral drugs are now being distributed but they give a sufferer only about five more years of life. After that the necessary cocktail of drugs is too expensive for most South Africans."

   - chapter 14

"Politics in Nigeria is a business career. Any politician who does not end up a multi-millionaire is regarded as a fool. Not many Nigerians are fools."

"When religion overlays ethnicity and culture, it is easy to claim God or Allah backs your cause."

"I sometimes feel Africa is not violent enough. If Africans fought back sooner against theft and oppression instead of allowing themselves to be slaves to the rich and powerful, Africa would be a much more peaceful place. Instead African patience allows exploitation and oppression to thrive until everyone loses their temper and explodes."

   - chapter 16

Richard Dowden, Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles

Easter

2011-04-28T19:04:00.000-05:00

Easter was very busy around here - we managed to make it to 2 family events in one day and I am proud to say the kidlets did fantastic! Enjoy the pics!

I love this picture - Jo-Jo is always watching what Teshe is doing (so he can do it too!)

The great egg hunt. This year there was one for the grown-ups too. Don't mind saying I made out quite nicely, thanks mom and dad!!

Samry was very sweet and left the easy ones for Jo-Jo.

He is as handsome as it gets ladies.

Grandpa Brad and Jo-Jo Bear

Quiet week

2011-04-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted much of substance lately. The past week or so has been tough. I went back to work (part-time) and Samry has really fallen down the rabbit hole. It's been incredibly difficult to get her under control while still keeping myself under control! I think we are finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, wouldn't have wished last week on my worst enemy (well maybe my very worst enemy).

These huge steps back complete with incredibly difficult behaviors can get so discouraging. It's tough not to feel like a failure as a mom. It's also tough to fight the urge to quit. I do think we realized a few things and when we have more concrete answers I will share the pieces I feel can to help others while still protecting Samry's privacy.

In case you are wondering I am working as a paralegal for a criminal defense / constitutional law attorney (solo practitioner). It is a great opportunity to learn a lot and hopefully answer my life-long question "should I go to law school?"

Short video about the Elizabeth Glaser Foundation

2011-04-19T21:31:00.002-05:00

The Time to Eliminate Pediatric AIDS is Now from EGPAF on Vimeo.

2011-04-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

I've been posting quotes from Richard Dowden's book Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles. It is a great book about the modern history of most of the countries in Africa (he doesn't talk much about Ethiopia unfortunately). These next quotes are from his chapter on HIV/AIDS, which was a very quick overview of the disease and its effects. If you are looking for a very thorough, life changing book about HIV/AIDS in Africa, I highly recommend Stephanie Nolen's book 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa. It is an incredible read.

"Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS) is everywhere in Africa, and although new infections may have peaked in most areas, the full horror of the fallout is still to come. Ask anyone between the ages of fifteen and fifty in Southern Africa how many relatives and friends of their age group have died in the last few years and many will say as many as twenty or thirty. But ask them what they died of and they will say TB or malaria or endless diarrhea. Few hospitals in Africa separate out the AIDS patients from the rest. No-one wants AIDS to be written as the cause of death. Nobody knows exactly how many people die of AIDS because AIDS destroys the body's immune system so the sufferers actually die of tuberculosis, malaria and innumerable other diseases and infections. 'AIDS is clever,' as Sibanda , a Zimbabwean traditional healer, says. 'It doesn't kill people, it hires others to do that for it.'"

"Mass murder and wars have an end. After the killing a new start is possible. But AIDS destroys the future."

"Plagues that have struck humanity in the past killed people quickly. The clear connection between the disease and death forced people to change. The Black Death killed within days. So did the 1919 flu epidemic which killed huge numbers in Africa as well as Europe and Asia. Although people did not know that fleas carried bubonic plague, they moved away from afflicted areas. AIDS takes years to develop, so it is hard to persuade people that it exists and even harder to persuade them that it spreads through life-giving sex. In Cameroon they call it le poison lent, slow poison. Indeed it is technically a lentivirus. Its effects on society, social and economic are even more long term. Read the AIDS statistics and they look like a tsunami, a vast wave inexorably sweeping towards us and drowning millions upon millions of people."

"Cardinal Lopez Trujillo, President of the Pontifical Council for the Family, told the BBC in 2004 that condoms don't help because the HIV virus is small enough to 'easily pass through' condoms."

- chapter 12

**IMPORTANT NOTE: the HIV virus is NOT so small as to pass through a condom. This is scientifically untrue. Incidentally I remember being told this in high school by a Doctor (student's father) who came to speak at our school. True story. I have never forgotten that, although it should be noted the man was a total bigot and idiot who spewed all sorts of lies and hateful talk.**

Teshe's Family Day

2011-04-12T19:12:00.000-05:00

Today was Teshe's family day - the day we celebrated the 3rd anniversary of becoming a family. Being his mom was the best thing I have ever done (I can say that because becoming his mom was what made me want to become Samry and Joshua's mom too!). He has brought so much joy and fulfillment to our lives.

In the past three years Teshome has blossomed into a beautiful, kind, enthusiastic, smart, funny, confident little boy. He is the little boy who says, "Mom you look so beautiful today" totally out of blue. He is the little boy who loves his baby brother so much he occasionally sneaks into Jo-Jo's room during nap time just to tell him. He is the little boy who is up for any and every adventure, willing to jump in with both feet! He is the little boy who forgives even before being asked and carries no grudges. He is the little boy who works hard in school even when it is hard. He is the little boy who is loved by families on two continents and heaven.

I am proud to be a part of his past, honored to be a part of his present and excited to be a part of his future.

For Teshe's family day (which is a special day for just him, Mommy and Daddy) we saw Rango, had lunch at Dave & Busters and then hit up the arcade.

Weekend with the boys

2011-04-10T23:12:00.001-05:00

We had Berhane and Tsegaye this weekend - my parents are on vacation (a well deserved one at that!). It was a great time. I have some really amazing brothers (all four of the them, but the littlest two haven't figured out they are too cool for me yet..)

Eating Dinner at Fasika (an Ethiopian restaurant). To say we stuffed ourselves is an understatement.

Berhane, smiling like always

Samry, Tsegaye, Teshe, and Berhane trying to touch the rays and sharks

Jo-Jo bear looking cool in his big boy jeans

Yep, she was happy today

Seriously, a Grizzly climbing the tree (at the zoo, not our backyard or anything)

That would be Teshe in the stroller feeling ashamed (as he should)

Jo-Jo attempted an open mouth kiss on this one. Mmmmm

I believe they were discussing the finer points of milking a cow

Tsegaye and T-man. Kinda makes me want to cry

So, when we finally add to our little brood, I can see we will need a bigger car...

He's really not crying - just screaming as loud as he can to match the noise made by the other kids in the car. Stinker.

2011-04-06T12:56:00.000-05:00

"According to the economic historian Angus Maddison, Europeans were only three times richer than Africans at the beginning of the nineteenth century. Today they are twenty times richer and the gap is getting wider."

"Wealth comes in many forms and maybe there is wealth in Africa that is not measurable in economists' dollar calculations."

"Once an economic classification, 'third world' became a geographic area and then a problem. Now it is commonly used as a term of contempt, shorthand for failure. And it means Africa."

"The external factors begin with bad geography and bad history. Africa is endowed with natural resources, minerals, forests and, parts of it, water in abundance. It is a rich continent with a lot of poor people. But economic development in Africa was designed to benefit outsiders, not Africans. Look at the railway systems. All go from a coastal port inland to a mine. They were not built to link peoples or towns or regions, they were designed to extract Africa's mineral wealth as quickly and cheaply as possible and ship it overseas.
Political geography made matters worse. Africa's borders do not fit natural boundaries or lines of demarcation between peoples. The European powers carved up the continent at the end of the nineteenth century, drawing those lines on their maps of places they had never been to. In many cases the maps were blank. They had no idea what lay on or under the ground in vast lands they were claiming as theirs. The lines, which in time hardened to demarcate nation states, cut through peoples and natural boundaries and blocked traditional trading routes."

"Europe and America undermined African agricultural producers by giving their own farmers fat subsidies that lowered the world price of many African farm products. In 2002 America handed out $4 billion to its cotton farmers. In the same year Europe's total agricultural subsidies were 91 billion Euros - more than three-quarters of the total GDP of sub-Saharan Africa."

"When it came to economists Africa's rulers were mostly either socialist idealists or greedy dictators."

   - chapter 10

"What has Africa to offer the rest of the world? Patience, hope, civility - and music. If you judged the peoples of the world by their music, Africans would rank the most hopeful and contented. If music were wealth Africa would be rich."

   - chapter 11

   Richard Dowden, Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles

HIV adoption

2011-04-04T22:42:00.000-05:00

Interesting article about HIV adoption. It wasn't fun to read some of the comments, people can be really cruel. I was expecting the ones about the healthcare costs (coming mostly from those who know nothing of the costs, who pays them or how the whole thing works), but the ones about my kids being a danger? Those ones stung.

Birthday Boy

2011-04-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

Our sweet little Joshua turned 2 years old yesterday. It was wonderful. We had family over to help celebrate and little Jo-Jo Bear was as delightful as always! It was the first time since he's been home where he had a crowd to entertain - he did not disappoint. I think he was a little sad this morning when he came downstairs to find his crowd of supporters had disappeared!

In honor of his big day, here are a few things we love about our Jo-Jo.
1. Cuddly, oh so cuddly
2. Beautiful, intense brown eyes (good luck try saying no to those eyes!)
3. Funny, even at age 2 he has great comedic timing
4. Enthusiastic - he is NEVER one to miss out on an adventure of any kind
5. Loyal, he knows who his family is and loves us dearly
6. Determined, since coming home he has worked relentlessly on learning to walk, now he runs everywhere
7. Helpful, one of his favorite things is helping me empty the dishwasher and put away laundry

Joshua you are dearly and deeply loved. Thanks for letting us be a part of your life.

Editorial

2011-03-29T18:24:00.000-05:00

This is an editorial written by a Korean Adoptee. The agency he speaks of? CHSFS. A few things hit home for me.

First, the use of humanitarian projects to grease the wheels for more referrals (that would be children, you know people, living breathing people, sometimes living breathing people with families who love them and do not want them placed for adoption). Disgusting, disgusting and true.

Second, the lack of true post-adoption education/support/whatever. As we've struggled through the issues with Samry I have come to realize just how little there is out there after your child is home.
Oh, there are support groups up the wazoo for waiting adoptive parents (poor, poor waiting parents), but nothing for our kids or ourselves afterwards. And we're suppose to be surprised by the increase in disruptions and broken homes?

Agencies have a responsibility to offer continued support for adoptive families and birth families, that means support not just for both sets of parents, but also for the kids when they are kids and when they are grown up.

Spring Break - a formula for success?

2011-03-28T19:28:00.000-05:00

We had Spring Break a few weeks back, but I was doing the 3 year anniversary posts so I couldn't write about it. It was 10 days with no school so a really big break in routine. I was really worried about Samry. She can barely handle a change to her breakfast cereal, so this sort of change can really sent her.

However, I am excited to share that it was the best school break ever. Since she has come home we have NEVER experienced such a smooth change in routine. I'm still pinching myself to make sure it was real!

I think there were a couple things that aided in her (and my) success. Here they were:

1. Lower expectations. Now lower them again. I don't mean in a self-fulfilling prophecy sort of way, but just expect and accept multiple breakdowns/meltdowns/attitudes/etc. Knowing they will happen helps to take the emotions out of it. I mentally reminded myself that daily Samry will need to find an outlet for her anger and stress, usually a negative one. I tried to think of it as an item on a to do list. "okay, she had her meltdown, check, now we can move on to the fun part of the day."

2. Find things for the child to do away from the family. I know that sounds mean, but it isn't. Samry struggles the most when nose deep in normal family time. She doesn't know what to do with herself, starts to panic and tries to take control of the situation (by acting out, being mean, refusing to cooperate, etc). She can usually handle shorter periods of time with us, but 10 days straight? Forgetaboutit! So, I found a few day camps and signed her and Teshe up. She got to go swimming, do crafts, play sports, hang out with friends all without the stress of being a "family girl". Giving her a mini vacation from us really helped. When she came home she was happy and ready to connect for a few hours before heading to bed.

3. Keep some things a surprise. We went up to the North Shore for the last few days of break. I didn't tell Samry until the day before we left. If Samry had weeks to think about the trip (which included my parents and Berhane and Tsegaye) she would have worked herself into a serious meltdown. Giving her a shorter heads-up kept her from spiraling too much. When I told her about the trip, we talked through the various emotions she was going to feel (1) Happy that she gets to try skiing and go swimming (2) Angry that she isn't in control of the trip and part of her will want to ruin it (3) Nervous because Grandma and Grandpa will be there and she doesn't want them to see her meltdowns (if she has one) (4) Jealous because Teshe has been snowboarding before so he will be better than her (5) Thankful (okay she probably wouldn't feel this one on her own, we are trying to help her start to appreciate what she has so we give her the talk track) Thankful because she gets yarn braids and gets to go on a trip.

4. Limit outside adults. For Samry, she tries to get needs and wants met through any adult but me or Matthew. She does it because it is way less scary to get attention from someone who isn't as important (unlike a parent). So, when we went up North she wasn't allowed to sleep with my parents or snuggle with them. This is definitely one of those things my parents don't like (and I totally get that), but it is really important for Samry. If they do meet those intimate needs it tells her that her attempts to alienate herself from me and Matthew are okay. It can also be emotionally overwhelming for her to have intense or intimate physical contact (really anything other than a quick hug). It seems to bring up emotions she doesn't know how to handle.

We made a HUGE deal about the success of Spring Break and the best part was that Samry was able to really enjoy herself!

Hope there was something in there that was helpful!

Ahh, the lazy river at the waterpark (my favorite part!)

North Shore (Lake Superior)

Tsegaye on the bunny hill (he was able to do some actual runs too)

T-Man, yep he mostly posed with his board

Explaining the pizza stop. Samry was getting good by the end

Brothers, love it

Look Familiar??

2011-03-24T16:55:00.000-05:00

Yep, Jo-Jo is getting so big he is wearing the same size Teshe wore when he first came home (shirts, not pants). So, Jo-Jo - not quite 2 years old and Teshe age 3 1/2 wore the same size....

Yarn Braids - attempt number 2

2011-03-22T21:06:00.000-05:00

Back over Thanksgiving Break I attempted yarn braids in Samry's hair. It took me 10 hours, yes that would the number ten. I am a horribly impatient person so doing hair for that long was a little like torture.

Well, I decided to try them again over Spring Break (which we had last week). Last time I did them it was suppose to be a reward for good behavior, but it ended up creating a lot of drama. I really wanted to avoid any extra drama this time so I did not make the braids a reward for anything.

They took me between 8-9 hours, and Samry only required one attitude adjustment around hour 7 (getting a little too diva-ish for my taste), unlike myself who needed an attitude adjustment about every hour (not a diva issue, more of a "holy crap, this is taking forever there are a million other things I could be doing right now" issue)!

I am hoping they will last about 4-6 weeks. Last time they came out after 2, but that was due to some poor choices by Samry. She really loves them and hopefully they will be a daily reminder that her mother loves her enough to spend 9 hours hunched over her curly little head!

Blessed

2011-03-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, last post of the series. For those who are new this is the three year anniversary of my blog. In honor of that I am sharing our story - it got a little long winded - sorry. Here are Parts 1 (pre-kids), Part 2 (kid#1), Part 3 (kid#2), Part 4 (tough stuff), and Part 5 (Brothers!).

In Winter of 2010 we were still eyeball deep in struggles with Samry. At times we talked about growing our family, but is seemed crazy to think about doing that with one child very out of sync. There was (still is) a boy at Kidane that I think about every single day. I really want to be his family, but we just didn't think we could bring an even older child into the mix and disrupt everyone again (For the record, I haven't given up that dream yet, I'm just accepting it may be a longer path than I want).

Well, early Spring, I saw an email on an HIV adoption forum about a little boy in Uganda, Joshua. He was very sick and needed a family quickly. Mostly as a joke I emailed Matthew, "Hey, want to have a baby?" Joke was on me - Matthew wanted a baby VERY MUCH. It must be known that I am not a baby person. Yes, I am certain your baby is very cute and cuddly and awesome, but no I do not want to hold him/her and no I do not want one, thank you very much. I enjoy potty-trained children. I like children who are somewhat independent, the kind who are old enough to sass back (and sometimes do).

But for the second time in my life I did the opposite of everything I thought I wanted. And just like the first time, I have never looked back. We asked more questions about him, contacted the babies home where he was living and discovered that yes, he was very sick and his long-term prognosis was unknown, frankly his long-term was unlikely.

We talked about the repercussions to our family, we were worried that this would send Samry over the edge. There were two reasons we felt our family unit could handle it (Disclaimer: I don't feel I have to justify our choice, I just think it may help others in our shoes). First, because Joshua was a baby and Samry LOVES babies we thought she may have an easier time attaching with him which in turn could help her attach with the rest of the family. A baby is not complex in their bonds with other children, there wouldn't be difficult interpersonal relationship elements for her to navigate (like those with me or even Teshe).

Second, and I don't know how else to say this, having another child would help me get out of her butt. 24/7 I obsessed about Samry, it wasn't good for her, for me or for our relationship. Meeting Joshua's needs would force me to let unnecessary stuff go with Samry simply for lack of time. As for Teshe, he loved the idea of a "boy sister" (just no more "girl sisters") and was on board long before we even knew about Joshua.

Matthew traveled over to Uganda for a week in late May of 2010 (being the rational, non-emotional one of our team). We really felt the only way we could tackle an independent adoption like this was to travel over there and check everything out. We had agreed we would not commit to Joshua until Matthew had assessed his needs and felt like we could handle it. His first email home went like this, "Joshua is amazing. I would give anything to bring him home right now. Meeting with a lawyer tomorrow." Clearly rational and non-emotional!!

Our attorney was amazing. She met Joshua, realized he was in serious condition and poured herself and her staff into assembling the paperwork. We got an email on July 13, we had a court date July 16. Yep, we had to pack, get plane tickets, accommodations and find someplace for the kids to stay in about 18 hours.

Meeting Joshua was incredible. He was sitting in the group highchair (it's like a really long highchair where they put all the babies) listening to the Momma's sing the morning songs. I was swept away. Later that day we went before the Ugandan Judge to request an adoption. Because we had such short notice for the trip, we left after a week - before the Judge had issued her ruling (plus we still had immigration paperwork we needed to have filed) and I returned two weeks later.

I was with Joshua in Uganda (I was able to stay at his care center which was such a wonderful thing for attachment) for about two weeks when we got the visa and came home.

Since he has been home our family has felt full - in a good way. He has brought so much joy to our lives. He is getting stronger and healthier every day. He came home at 18 months and was just starting to crawl. Six months later he is running, jumping, kicking, climbing. He adores his brother and sister and they love him deeply.

I was commenting to Matthew the other day that Joshua never seemed really unhappy at the babies home - he was generally content, but now, now he shines. Now, he soaks up every minute of life and loves it.

I think that is one of the things I love most about all my children, life is an adventure and they don't want to miss a minute.

Matthew in Uganda May 2010

The first day I met Joshua

Joshua's goodbye party

Joshua home with Teshe and Samry

Mommy and Joshua Christmas

Blessed

I'm not the only one who has plans God laughs at......

2011-03-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

Still with me? Okay, for newbies, in honor of the 3 year anniversary of my blog I am retelling our story. Part 1 (pre-kiddos), Part 2 (kiddo #1), Part 3 (kiddo #2), Part 4 (tough times).

Backing up to my trip to Ethiopia for Samry. As I mentioned Matthew couldn't get that much time off of work (this was in the days of the HIV waiver which meant it could take anywhere from 2-4 weeks in Ethiopia waiting for paperwork processing), so my parents decided to come with me.

You should know my parents had been empty nesters for quite a while. They loved being grandparents and were looking forward to carefree livin'! Before they left my dad told me, no way would they even be thinking of adopting any kids so I shouldn't even bother trying to convince them. It was not going to happen. Period.

They were focusing on ways to "finish well" as they starting looking towards retirement. That was a large part of their reason for going to Ethiopia. They were hoping to connect with some organizations or a cause and get involved financially. They have always been incredibly generous people and were prepared to open their checkbooks - just not their home.

I had been in ET a while when my parents joined me and after a few days I noticed something odd. They were asking me questions about the adoption process?? Huh, but I thought "never gonna happen, yada yada??"

There were these brothers, the oldest sibling group at Kidane Merhet. Berhane (the older one) was incredibly charming, inquisitive and athletic, Tsegaye (the younger one) was shy, funny, and obsessed with soccer. One day as my mom and I were sitting in the courtyard with the younger kids, my dad was playing basketball with the older boys (including Berhane amd Tsegaye). My mom mouthed to my dad, "I could really love these boys (meaning B and T). My dad replied. "I already do."

That was it. Similar to my own conversion from bra-burner to domestic momma, my parents knew exactly what they were suppose to do. They knew it was crazy, they knew it meant completely changing their lives, but they also knew God had opened their eyes and they could not walk away.

They told the boys before we left. In part it was to keep them from getting home and chickening out! In part it was because the boys could tell something was up - my parents were falling in love and it was really obvious. They started the paperwork on the plane ride back to Minnesota.

In May of 2010, the boys came home. My brothers seize life with a gusto I have never witnessed before. They have been to Florida (twice), New York, the North Shore, tubing, kneeboarding, skiing snowboarding, snowmobiling, four-wheeling, played soccer and basketball, learned to swim, learned to kayak, learned to ride bikes, studied like mad men, earned incredible grades in school, played paintball, gone parasailing, swam in the ocean, gained dozens and dozens of pounds, asked literally a zillion questions and enriched the lives of everyone they touch.

Their transition hasn't always been easy, but they have become a part of a family that loves them with intensity, a family that sees their potential and will climb mountains to help them achieve it, a family that is better with them in it.

Oh, and my parents? Exhausted, a kind of tired from which there is no relief, but joyful, very joyful.

The boys being told Mom and Dad were going to adopt them

The day they came to Minnesota

Up at the North Shore with JD and Jamila

New York

Berhane with his new bike

Tesgaye studying hard -like always

Tsgaye playing soccer

Amazing boys

Sledding with the T and S

Christmas 2010

Coming up - Last One: Blessed

It's darkest just before the dawn right? RIGHT? Hello?

2011-03-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

For the 3 year anniversary of my blog I am telling the story of our family, part 1 (pre-kids), part 2 (kid#1), part 3 (kid#2). Okay, back to the story.

I came home with Samry and was immediately sick for two weeks with E.coli poisoning. If you are looking for a super fast, super effective diet, I highly recommend it. If you are looking for intense pain and a strong desire for instant death, I also recommend it.

After emerging from that we had to move into temporary housing as our home had sold and our new home was still being build, yeah not great for attachment. The whole time I was constantly aware of what I didn't feel for Samry. Because I had felt such intense feelings with Teshe right away I was very panicky, but I didn't dare tell anyone, I was too afraid. So, I stuffed it down, tried to go through the motions.

It wasn't long before I couldn't even get myself to go through the motions. I thought I was going crazy. I had a child who was one way as soon as anyone else even entered the room and a totally different way as soon as they left. With any adopted child there is going to be grief and trauma from adoption, not to mention grief and trauma related to any experiences before the adoption. I recognize that some of Samry's behaviors were related to grief and trauma, but some seemed inherently different.

Quick Disclaimer: I've mentioned before my desire to keep Samry's most difficult behaviors private. I know people from our daily life read this blog, and being a public blog it could be read by others in the future, I don't want the struggles she has today and has had in the past color people's perception of her. I believe she can grow into a healthy person and I think keeping the more embarrassing details of her behavior private is an important part of that.

So, you'll have to take my word for it, but she was behaving in ways that seemed much more serious. Still, I was afraid to talk about my reaction to it. Somehow I thought I could love her in spite of her intense behaviors, without any common, positive history or memories together, or any real relationship. So often in adoption we focus on the child attaching to the parent. There is virtually nothing out there about a parent struggling to attach to a child. It seems like the dirty little secret.

Fall and early winter of 2009 were the ugliest days of my life. I woke up every morning to one child I adored, a child I wanted desperately to go away and guilt and shame and resentment that felt like enormous boulders around my neck.

By December I'd had enough. I found an attachment therapist and we started therapy - Samry and I, Matthew came sometimes. We went weekly. It helped, not as much as I'd hoped, but at least I could talk to someone and they wouldn't judge me. The therapist gave me manageable assignments to try with Samry and good language to use when talking with her.

Then in late winter we moved to our new home, I really hoped with it we would be entering a new, better phase with Samry. We didn't. I think it helped us all to be more settled, it also helped to be coming out of the physical dark and cold of winter, but in some ways the attachment with Samry seemed worse. Samry didn't want to do therapy anymore and so we let her stop (I wish we hadn't). We were trying to recognize her need to be a willing participant, but hey, she's 7, what did she know?

Through the past 12 months we have tried many things, I wish I could say we found a magic bullet. I wish I could say the darkest part has past and bright possibilities have burst through. It isn't really like that. I've come to terms with my dreams of parenting Samry versus the reality of what parenting Samry really has to be. She is a child full of incredible potential and incredible pain. Many days the pain from her past keeps her from becoming the person she could be.

We're not giving up. We will never give up on her. Parenting Samry is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it was something I chose. I knew the risks going in, in fact, we intentionally chose a child with greater potential for trauma and struggles. I believe this is what adoption is really about.

Fall 2009

In our soon to be new home

Thanksgiving 2009

Florida 2010

Up next: I'm not the only one who has plans God laughs at....

She wore a blue and green flowered dress

2011-03-07T18:00:00.002-06:00

For the 3 year anniversary of my blog, I am sharing the journey of our family. Here is Part One (pre-kiddos), and Part Two (Kiddo #1) if you haven't read them yet.

While we were in Ethiopia to meet Teshe and bring him home, we spent a lot of time at Ahope. Ahope is an orphanage for HIV+ children. The kids range in age from infants up to age 17. I remember walking into the little kids compound for the first time. The outside of the building is painted yellow and has various Disney characters painted on it. We brought rocket balloons (much to the nannies dismay) and spent the following hour blowing them up with the kids and sending them flying around the courtyard.

I knew without a doubt where our family would be headed next. Matthew could see the look in my eyes and knew there would be little stopping me. Fortunately, he was getting ready to jump on the bandwagon himself so it took little convincing from me.

Once Teshe was home and we had settled in, we started to talk seriously about adopting a child with HIV. We joined online HIV groups, purchased books about living with HIV, and spoke with an infectious disease specialist, we did our homework and had no doubt, we could handle having a child with HIV.

By the end of the summer we felt that we and Teshe were ready to add another kiddo to the party, so we sent off for a waiting child DVD. There was the video and a paper which listed all the children's names and birthdays. Matthew was looking at the paper and said, "Samrawit, huh, I really like that name. I hope one of our kids is named Samrawit." We put the DVD in and started watching it. Of course, every child on the video will melt your heart and while it seems uncomfortable to "choose" a child from a DVD, we were hoping some child would sort of choose us.

It came to Samry's clip on the video. She was sitting on a brown couch wearing a white dress with blue and green flowers on it. She was smiling her stone melting smile and acting rather shy, swinging her legs back and forth. Matthew shouts, "This is her, this is her, she's suppose to be our daughter. Quick email Erin (the adoption coordinator) and find out more about her."

The process to bring Samry home was long and difficult, full of delays and setbacks. We had our paperwork done in record time, but due to agency errors and issues we experienced a ridiculous amount of failed court dates.

I was worried Samry would think we had changed our minds. After all she found out about us in January 2009 and by now it was April 2009. So, we decided to visit her. She was at an orphanage in Addis for both HIV+ and negative kids, Kidane Merhet. End of May Matthew and I traveled to Ethiopia to spend a week with Samry. She was delightful. She had boundless energy, always a smile on her face and seriously ran the show over there. We were smitten. It was incredibly difficult to leave her.

The image of her standing in the drive, crying, as we pulled away for the airport still feels like a punch to the gut. We had no idea when we would be able to come back.

We finally passed court and then had to wait for the CDC (aka Satan's henchman) to force Samry through additional, pointless hoops, basically trying to prevent HIV+ kids from entering the country. Yep, still SUPER bitter towards the CDC, no really, the last person I spoke to from the CDC I may have said I wished ill (much stronger language in real life...) upon her, her children, her children's children and so on, yeah not a WWJD moment.....

Anyways, I was finally able to go back to Ethiopia in September to bring Samry home. Matthew wasn't able to come as he had just changed jobs so my parents decided they would join me for the last week of the trip.

Things started to unravel with Samry in the second week. I realized that what I had initially thought was just a child with a really charming personality was actually the signs of more serious issues. At that time I thought it was all my fault. I wasn't feeling smitten by her anymore. I was scared of her. I was scared of what I didn't feel, scared of the unkind feelings I did feel and in general I felt totally overwhelmed and in way over my head.

A referral picture

Someone lost a tooth!

The first day we met

Ethiopia, visit trip May 2009

She insisted we take tons of photos of her eating. I literally have dozens.

This is what she was wearing the day I came back to bring her home

Samry with Grandpa

Samry with Grandma

Together again

Next up: It's darkest just before the dawn right? RIGHT? Hello?

A Little Boy Changes Everything

2011-03-04T16:52:00.000-06:00

In case you missed it, I am marking the 3 year anniversary of my blog by telling the story of my family. Part One was about Matthew and I before kiddos.

It didn't take long to feel pulled to Ethiopia. Not because it is such a sad place, quite the contrary, because the Ethiopians, the people we read and learned about sounded like some of the most amazing people on the planet.

Back in the beginning I was very naive about the ethics and fraud surrounding adoption, but even then I knew it was about finding families for children, not finding a child for me. In the very first meeting we had with our agency they said they needed families for preschool age boys. At that time they had many on their waiting lists, so we started the process to be approved to adopt a little boy. You cannot imagine how quickly we zoomed through our paperwork.

Long before our homestudy was even written (although we were verbally approved), a phone call came that made us a family of three. You can read more about that here. He was 3 years old and his name was Teshome, "gift from God". The short version is as soon as we heard his story, we knew we were about to become a family of three. There were a few fuzzy pictures with his file that we poured over for the next 4 months while we waited for our paperwork to be finished, a Judge in Ethiopia to say "yes", and the US government approvals.

End of March 2008 we were in Ethiopia. We traveled a week early because I seriously couldn't take it anymore. We met him for the first time on March 31. He was wearing a little orange shirt and was finishing his morning snack. He was brought over to us where he gave us both hugs, took the toy we had for him and ran away. It was love at first sight (well, for me anyway! For Teshe is was more like, "thanks, but no thanks," at first sight). We visited him everyday after that until he came to stay with us in the guesthouse until we left for America.

The beginning was a blur. We all had to take some time to get used to each other. Matthew had to deal with a little one smack dab in the middle of our bed (whoot, whoot for the family bed), I had to convince a scared little boy that having a Mommy really wasn't a bad thing and even if I could never be as cool as Daddy, I was still a lot of fun, and Teshe had to learn a brand new language for a third time, adjust to a brand new culture and learn to trust and love brand new parents. Yeah, he definitely had the hardest job.

It's so incredible. I know it doesn't always happen this way, but I was instantly, madly in love with Teshe. Of course my love has grown as I've discovered his personality, but never in my life has such a deep, profound feeling swept over me so suddenly, so completely. I love Matthew more than anything, but it wasn't love at first sight. It took a long time to fall in love with him (you know, gotta make the boy earn it!).

I was talking with someone once about the difference between your love for your spouse versus your love for your child. She summed it up this way. "If I was looking down at the street from a building and saw my spouse about to cross the street, unaware of an oncoming car, I would quickly open the window to warn them. If it was my child, I would jump out that window to save them."

In an instant everything that used to matter to me - career, status, bra burning, paled in comparison to the gift I had just been given. Suddenly, what mattered most was how I could honor my son and my son's Ethiopian family.

At least for me a big part of the change was understanding how my son became my son. When you have a bio child no one else out there has to make a sacrifice for you. The bio child doesn't have to lose something to become yours. Not so with adoption.

Teshe and his Ethiopian family had lost an incredible amount for me to become his mother. The sacrifice was huge. While his birth story is his story to tell, I will say that he was deeply, deeply loved. In Ethiopia names are chosen based on their meaning, Teshome, "gift from God" was chosen by his mother.

Looking back it's amazing how quickly we became a family and it wasn't too long before we started talking about adding to our little brood.

A referral picture - taken November 2007

The first day we met

At the guesthouse in Ethiopia

T with his Jeep, from day one he wanted to cruise in style

Up at the cabin - Teshe's favorite place on Earth

The T-man turns 4

Fierce

Up Next: She wore a blue and green flowered dress

3 years ago

2011-03-02T15:09:00.000-06:00

Three years ago I started this blog. Weird. It started as a way to connect with other adoptive families, and really just show off the awesomeness of Teshe! Who knew we would be here 3 years later? Who knew our family would grow and change so much - two more kids and two more brothers for me.

So, I am going to take some time to reintroduce us. I know some of you readers personally, some just from adoption/bloggy world and some not at all. Anyways, this is us. This is our story.

Matthew and I (Amanda) got married young - still in college young, still in college for a long time young, able to legally drink, but barely, young. Okay, you get the idea. Anyways, before we got married, I told Matthew I never wanted children. Nope, none. I was going to rule the world, burn all the bras, battle injustice, become a powerful woman who oppressed men for a change (okay, not that last one, but I definitely saw a lot of men as oppressive and wanted to pay them back). Oh, but God must have been so amused by me.

At first the plan was wonderful, we were DINKS (double income - no kids) living for ourselves. Vacations, shopping, a new house, the future full of potential. Sure, we gave money to charity and I wasn't totally oblivious to the suffering of others, but most of the time, life was about ourselves.

Somehow, I managed to talk Matthew into spending our summer vacation in India, helping children in orphanages learn English. I made it clear that this in NO way changed the plan of no kids, lots of stuff, bra's burning, etc. So we went to possibly the hottest place on earth (India) for two weeks to have our hearts broken, our dreams turned upside down and our futures vastly changed.

I should back up... Adoption has always been a part of my life. Many (10) of my cousins were adopted. Many of my friends growing up were also adopted. To me it was always a way to build a family, no different than choosing to have birth kids. And, I knew that if I were ever to have kids, not that I was, but you know if for some reason I had to. They would be adopted. I've always known that, never questioned it.

Matthew was not big on adoption. It wasn't a part of his world growing up and definitely not something he had ever thought about. He didn't understand why I would want to adopt if I could physically have kids.

Okay, back to hot as hell India in the Summer of 2007. Matthew fell in love. He fell in love with a little girl who in 2 weeks convinced him that he wanted kids, he wanted to adopt kids and he wanted to adopt kids right now. So one day near the end of our trip, he told me what he wanted and for reasons I will never understand I had no desire to tell him no. I felt this crazy peace and even discovered I wanted the exact same thing. I'll never understand my 180 degree change. Obviously it was God. I've never experienced anything like it.

We discovered very quickly that adopting a child from India was not an option for us. So, we came home and started researching countries and felt pulled to Ethiopia. In my mind, our child was a little boy, a little boy with beautiful brown eyes and chocolate colored skin. I'm not sure why, but that was always the image in my mind and my heart.

Two young kids in love

Florida

Utah

North Shore

Costa Rica

A little girl from India. A gift.

Later this week: Part Two: A Little Boy Changes Everything

2011-02-25T08:58:00.000-06:00

"Zimbabwe is broken. On average, Zimbabweans born at independence could be expected to live for fifty-seven years. In 2006 that had plummeted to thirty-sever for men and thirty-four for women, the lowest in the world."

"Mugabe thinks Zimbabwe is his because he took it by force - exactly the same mentality as the brutal white colonists who seized it more than a century ago."

   - chapter 6

"The cheery euphemisms given to southern Sudan's relief operations - Operation Lifeline, Operation Rainbow - cover a messy dilemma. Aid workers see their job as getting food into hungry mouths. They ignore all other considerations, even if it means feeding the devil as well... Again and again in Africa aid has enabled wars to continue. By turning a blind eye to food and medicine being stolen by the men with guns, or straightforwardly furnishing them with such supplies, the aid agencies have again become a part of the problem."

   - chapter 7

"Some 25 per cent of America's imported oil will come from West Africa by 2015."

"The word 'corruption' suggests a functioning system has gone rotten. In parts of Africa, corruption, like an advanced form of cancer, has taken over the whole body. It is the system. As John Robertson, a Zimbabwean economist, says, 'We imagine corruption to be like a tick on a dog. There are some places in Africa where the tick is bigger than the dog.'"

   - chapter 8

"So two weeks into the slaughter [speaking of the 1994 Rwandan genocide] the Clinton government, supported by Britain, pushed the UN Security Council to reduce the peacekeeping force in Rwanda to just 270 men, despite the please of its commander, General Romeo Dallaire, who insisted that a UN military presence could make a difference. Dallaire managed to hold onto 400 troops. The Americans and British tried to block the use of the word 'genocide' in the Security Council to describe what was happening in Rwanda, because it would, by international law, have forced them to act." [bold and italics are mine]

   - chapter 9

   Richard Dowden, Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles

Cabin

2011-02-19T16:34:00.000-06:00

Last weekend we went up to the cabin with my family. We haven't been up there in a long time as Joshua is not a fan of long car trips which means none of us are fans of long car trips! But, Matthew wanted to get out of town so we went. The boys had a great time, my brother brought his dogs which provided endless entertainment for the Jo-Jo Bear.

Teshe spent the weekend trying to match the grown boys on their snowmobiles (this included breaking several of mom's rules which did not go over well - with mom). I do love his adventurous spirit, but ahh, it makes me so nervous.

Joshua is also not one to be left out and was willing to attempt whatever Teshe was going to do (of course we didn't allow this, much to his irritation.)

Samry did rather well for the weekend, mostly because she had an audience. Unfortunately, once her audience was gone she started acting out before we even made it home. It does make planning fun family things difficult knowing one of my children is going to make me pay for it, but we are trying to not let Samry's behaviors control our family.

I'm not a big cabin person (as my whole family can testify) but it was nice to hang out with 3 of my 4 brothers and my sister-in-law. Somehow the camera never made it outside (perhaps because I refused to go outside, have I mentioned I HATE winter with all that is within me?), but there were a few cute shots of the kidlets inside. Enjoy!

Joshua with Teddy, little did Teddy know there were many open mouth kisses in his future....

Berhane and Teddy, love this kid.

JD's birthday, honestly, no idea how old he is, of course, I usually don't know how old I am either.

Nothing like a little old school nintendo action (that's Tsegaye btw)

Grandma and Samry playing Battleship

Cuties

One Day without Shoes

2011-02-10T14:11:00.000-06:00

To come up lacking

2011-02-04T15:21:00.000-06:00

A little over a week ago Samry and I had a conversation that has been haunting me ever since. It started like this, Samry was expressing her anger with me about some of the struggles she has been through. Right now, she believes that everything bad that has ever happened to her is my fault (very normal for kids struggling with attachment and working through trauma). So, it's my fault her Ethiopian mom got sick and died, it's my fault she went to KM and had to stay there for three years and it's my fault it is too hard to trust a new family. Of course her blaming me is a thin veil for who she really blames, herself, but right now, it is easier to think it's all my fault.

It might sound like that's the part that upset me - it's not. I hear this stuff all the time. I understand why she says that and feels that way. I would too if I were her. What haunts me is what I said.

I told her I was so sorry her mom died, I told her I wish she hadn't gotten sick and died. I told her, as much as I want to be her mom, I wish her Ethiopian mom and dad were still alive and she was still living with them in Ethiopia, never knowing what it was like to live in an orphanage or lose the most important people in her life. So far okay.

And then, I said this, "I didn't know about you before we adopted you. If I would have known your mom I would have tried to help her. I would have tried to get her medicine and help. If I would have known that you were at KM, I would have tried to help you too." She seemed to sort of accept my answer and we moved on to other elements of the conversation.

But, I can't move on, because here's the thing. I DID know about her mom, no not her mother specifically, but I knew that there were millions of women just like Samry's mom who were dying while their children watched. And I did know that there were thousands of children with HIV in orphanages, scared to death. And I didn't help.

Oh sure, I gave my donations to organizations like AHOPE, World Vision, The Global Fund, Charity Water, the list goes on. Yes, I talked a lot about the struggles of people like Samry's mom to friends and family. But compared to what all these families had to lose or could have saved, I did nothing.

I know those who would point to my adopting as trying to fix it. SHUT UP. Adopting a child does not undo anything that happened. Are my children better with me then in an orphanage? Without a doubt. But, my adopting them doesn't bring their families back, it doesn't heal the disease that courses through their veins. It doesn't put things back to how they should be. The only solution is one the prevents an orphan from being created to begin with, anything else addresses only a symptom, not the problem.

I love my children more than anything else in the whole world. I love them enough to say I wish I was never needed.

One day Samry will be smart enough to question me about what I've done to help. I'm so terrified that I will come up lacking. Yes, I will continue to give money, yes, I will continue to beat my tiny little drum about the injustice and suffering and yes, I will continue to educate myself about what is happening to others around me, and lobby for change but compared to what is lost, I don't know how it will ever measure up.

Joshua then and now

2011-01-31T12:00:00.000-06:00

A very nice lady found my blog a while back. A year ago she was in Uganda volunteering at the Babies Home Joshua lived at. She sent me some pictures of him from a year ago. It was such a wonderful gift!

So, here is a look at Jo-Jo Bear then and now!

January 2010, Joshua was 9 months old.

He was a little thumb sucker back then too!

July 2010, Joshua was 15 months old

He has the most incredible eyes.

January 2011, crazy hair and a crazy awesome personality!

This one is just to show you his adorable ~~little~~ big tummy and cheeks!

2011-01-20T21:13:00.000-06:00

"In the end, the greatest impact or European imperialism in Africa may have been neither political nor economic. it may have been psychological: the destruction of African self-belief."

"In 2003, the World Bank estimated that some 60 per cent of privately owned wealth, around $40 billion, was held outside the continent - double what Africa was receiving in aid at the time. Others put the figure as high as $150 billion. Presidents and ministers looted state funds and stuffed the money into offshore bank accounts."

"At the heart of African politics is an attitude to power. Power whether used for good or evil, is widely revered for its own sake."

- Richard Dowden, Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles, chapter 4

"The wrongs of the past must now stand forgiven and forgotten. If we ever look to the past, let us do so for the lesson the past has taught us, namely that oppression and racism are inequalities that must never find scope in our political and social system. It could never be a correct justification that because the whites oppressed us yesterday when they had power, the blacks must oppress them today because they have power."
- Robert Mugabe at Zimbabwe's independence in 1980 (yeah, I couldn't believe it either)

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Quotes

2011-01-17T09:21:00.000-06:00

"Not only will we have to repent for the sins of bad people; but we also will have to repent for the appalling silence of good people."

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

Welcome 2011

2011-01-10T15:25:00.000-06:00

2010 is over. It was a very bittersweet year for us. With Samry it was the year that everything went to hell in a handbasket. Looking back now I can see we are stronger today, more prepared, better equipped for what 2011 will bring. But, honestly with that preparedness comes some jadedness, cynicism even. It seems impossible to have one without the other. More thoughts on that in another post.

But there was this amazing new gift in 2010. Joshua Atuhaire. In so many ways he saved our family from the downward spiral we were in. He has been a delight and renewed our belief in ourselves and God, which was definitely needed.

Of course Teshe continued to be amazing little Teshe, only not so little anymore. He grew up a lot in 2010. He is a kindergartner now and so capable. He continues to make us laugh constantly. I hope his Ethiopian parents can see him. I am so proud of our big boy.

There were other accomplishments from 2010, moving to our dream home, finishing school, quitting my job (easier than I thought...), but nothing compared to the successes and failures of being parents. It's quite a ride isn't it? Really wish I had a manual sometimes.....

The best Christmas gift ever

2010-12-26T12:57:00.000-06:00

A little over a week ago Jo-Jo Bear went from taking a few wobbly steps to literally running around the house. He is truly an amazing little man. So, so proud.

It's easy to forget, it hurts to remember

2010-12-20T19:22:00.000-06:00

We had our first Christmas this weekend. It was with my mom's family - pics to come later. It was a great time, there was a sleigh ride, snowmobiling, some sort of crazy tubing behind a 4-wheeler and lots of food and fun. But this post isn't really about the party.

There was one person in our family who did not have much fun. Jo-Jo Bear. His transition has been so seamless it's easy to forget he still has insecurities. It's easy to forget I need to parent differently than most Mom's parents their toddlers. It's easy to forget I need to be incredibly intentional in my parenting and work really hard to anticipate and avoid stressful situations for him.

I didn't do a very good job of that on Saturday. It was so obvious, he was scared, there was tons of people (big family), a new environment and it was all just too much for him. It took me too long to figure it out. I feel terrible about that. With every possible communication skill he had, he was telling me he was terrified I was going to leave him. Once I finally figured it out it was all I could do to keep from crying the rest of the night.

How horrible that a child who isn't even two yet would have a real fear of their mother leaving them? For Joshua, and every other child who is adopted, it's not just a fear, it was reality. It kills me that he has to live with that kind of fear.

My job as his mom, help him reduce that fear and prove over and over and over that I will never leave him.

The Big Boys

2010-12-15T18:23:00.000-06:00

So are you wondering if Berhane and Tsegaye fell off the earth? Sorry I haven't talked about them in a while, it's not because things are well. Quite the opposite, the boys are doing AWESOME. I am convinced their transition will be one for the record books as a piece of cake (my mother may argue that a bit...). Truly, they have blended into our family with incredible ease and are just plain amazing.

They have grown like weeds, are learning English like crazy and their first report cards put them on the honor roll. I don't think I know two teenagers who are more driven or more joyful. Usually around age 13 kids start to figure out they are too cool for everything and everything. Not these guys, they tackle life with gusto and are just happy guys.

I am loving the role of big sister to my littlest brothers, I take my job of teasing them very seriously!

My parents are exhausted, but happy. It's funny to see them parent again, especially while they are grandparenting. Grandparents are all about fun, fun fun (at least these ones are!). Parents are more about boundaries, structure, some fun, getting jobs done, reminding/nagging, well you get the idea... So, when we are all over at their house, they switch from doting, it's all about the fun grandparent to firm, rules and structure must be followed parent in a matter of seconds. It is really amusing to watch.

And now some pics of my baby brothers:

Berhane demonstrating his skills with his remote control airplane.

Thanksgiving with Dad

Four-wheeling at the cabin

Dad looks very stylish in his safety glasses...

Berhane: "Oh Amanda, you are so heavy"

Amanda: "Berhane, I hope you can run really fast...."

Tsegaye and Teshe Carving pumpkins at the Northshore

Tsegaye has a wicked dry sense of humor.

Love them

Teshe, Tesgaye and Samry at the North Shore

Heartbreakers

Can't imagine life without them.

Family Photos

2010-12-13T19:11:00.000-06:00

About a month ago we had family pictures taken. Who knew it could be so difficult to get 5 people smiling and looking at the camera at the same time?? Luckily we had a great photographer they turned out great! I really think the kids individual shots capture their personalities so well.

Enjoy!!

2010-12-10T22:44:00.000-06:00

"You can tell your story from a place where it no longer dominates you. You can speak about it with a certain distance and see it as the way to your present freedom. The compulsion to tell your story is gone. From your perspective of the life you now live and the distance you now have, your past does not loom over you. It has lost it’s weight and can be remembered as God’s way of making you more compassionate and understanding of others.” Nouwen

Hope to get there one day. Pray with everything that Samry gets there too.

A little winter fun

2010-12-09T18:24:00.000-06:00

Jo-Jo's first snowmobile experience. Loved it, Uncle Johnny will be so proud!!

I love that Teshe is chasing after them

Occasionally Daddy had to be reminded that Joshua is a baby and not yet ready for jumps of ANY kind. (yep, Moms really do take ALL the fun out of everything)

Decorating the tree - as usual my OCD required me to redo it after the kids were asleep....

Sledding

Of course he found a "sweet jump"

I cannot believe this kid hasn't broken any bones....yet

Love this kid. Taking his puppy for a ride.

December 1, 2010 World Aids Day

2010-12-01T09:11:00.002-06:00

I have written this post in my head dozens of times. It has fallen short every time. If you are looking for some inspirational words, these may not be it. This is more like the blubberings of an emotional woman.

But I am emotional for two very significant reasons. 1. Samrawit and 2. Joshua. Of course anyone who reads my blog knows that Samry is HIV+. We struggled with being so open in bloggerland, and in our personal life as well. If you're new to the blog you can read about that here. We ultimately chose truth. To keep her HIV a secret required too many lies and too much potential for her to internalize shame. We just couldn't do it.

What I have yet to share is the impact HIV has had on baby Joshua. In reality he is a child who should not be alive. Every time I hear the statistic that 50% of children who contract HIV from their mother die before age 2, I think, "that would have been my baby" I cannot even write the sentence without choking up. Would have been, but won't be.

Joshua contracted HIV during childbirth from his mother. When he was three months old he went into care at Sanyu Babies Home. A very nice children's home in Kampala, Uganda. While Samry has been a very slow progressor, in fact she is still asymptomatic, Joshua was a very fast progressor. He began rapidly declining. Over the course of the past year, Joshua was hospitalized 6 different times. It goes without saying that to be hospitalized in Kampala, you must be very sick. Each time the caregivers and volunteers, not to mention the hospital staff, were convinced he would not be coming back. In addition to his HIV, which had developed into AIDS, he was also incorrectly diagnosed with TB as well as failure to thrive. He had a whole host of opportunistic infections due to his HIV and death seemed unavoidable.

Then two things happened that dramatically changed the course of my baby's life. First, he was enrolled in a very special drug trial in Uganda. A trial that had access to better drugs. With access to these new drugs his immune system grew stronger although he was still contracting serious infections.

Second, an email half-way across the world landed in my inbox. Adopting wasn't really on our radar. There were all kinds of logical arguments for why we weren't in a position to adopt again, and trust me, we heard them all. But we couldn't shake the feeling that we were suppose to be Joshua's family, so Matthew flew to Uganda to assess his health, find an attorney and come up with a plan. When Matthew got there Joshua had just returned from a 3 week stay at the hospital. He still had an IV line in. He was malnourished, tired, and still very sick. But all Matthew saw was his son.

We moved forward immediately. We were extremely fortunate to find a wonderful attorney who was very aggressive for Joshua. Matthew and I were back a month and a half later to stand before the Judge. Two weeks later I was back to bring our sweet little boy home. In each trip Joshua was stronger and healthier. I am completely convinced he knew we were there just for him. He is a fighter, but he needed something to fight for. I know he has fought for us as hard as we fought for him.

Today our little Jo-Jo Bear is a chubby, healthy, enthusiastic 20 month old. A little over two weeks ago he took his first steps, something we were told in the beginning he may never make. His HIV is well under control and he is no longer immune suppressed. He is the light of our lives and an incredible blessing.

Last year almost 500,000 children contracted HIV from their mothers during childbirth or breastfeeding. You just heard the story of one of them. But, there is good news, we can END mother to child transmission by 2015. It is totally doable. All it takes is a few doses of ARV drugs and providing the mother with education about breast milk and access to formula. It IS doable. UNAIDS, UNFPA, WHO, UNICEF and the Global Fund are working together to make this happen. Please help.

A step in the right direction

2010-11-29T13:36:00.000-06:00

A year ago was when things were really falling apart with Samry. Thinking back I can remember how horrible it felt. Here was a child who seemed to have a split personality. She was one way with everyone else and a totally different, very difficult child for me.

It was around this time that I really thought I was losing it. She still wasn't showing her chaos to Matthew, so he really didn't believe me and most of my family thought I was a horrible mother for not being head over heels in love with this child. A child who was incredibly charming around them. To this day it brings me to tears to think about it.

Over the past year we have tried dozens of techniques, both trying to deal with the behavior and the lack of attachment. We have been to therapy, did phone conferences with additional therapists, read books, researched online, talked with families who have been there, done that. There are no magic bullets or tricks in this game.

Throughout everything, it seemed like we were only going further down the rabbit hole. It became painfully clear a while ago that Samry is not attached to us. I have avoided using the term RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), choosing instead to call Samry attachment challenged. I have avoided getting her diagnosed, somehow in my mind I fear such a diagnosis will lock us into this place forever. I have avoided being honest with myself about the severity of Samry's lack of attachment to us.

A few weeks ago, due to very difficult behavior and total burnout on my part, we announced to Samry that for the following week, I would not be helping her or doing really anything for her. Of course she would live here, have access to food, clothes, school and safety, but that was it. We thought it would help Samry understand reciprocality in relationships (at least that's what the book said it would do). Meaning, if she can't at least be reasonably respectful, then Mom isn't taking her to piano lessons, packing snacks, helping with homework, etc.

At the end of the week we sat down with her to talk about how she thought it went. She was furious. VERY long story short, it did not go well. Later that night I went back up to her room to try and understand why she had so much hate.

As I talked with her I started to cry, not a little cry, a BIG cry. I said to her that I knew she thought all I do is discipline her. It feels that way to me too. I told her that it wasn't because I didn't think of fun things too, it was just she was never nice to me long enough for me to do any of them with her. I told her how earlier that week I had researched yarn braids, how to do them, bought the yarn and was hoping to surprise her with them after a couple days of good attitude, days that never came. I showed her little presents I had bought just waiting to be given after even 1 positive interaction. I told her about 8 different things I had been planning to do with her and couldn't do any of them because of her behavior.

I told her to go downstairs and showed her my stash of presents for her, and had Daddy confirm everything I had just said. Something changed. She lives life in a hyper state of arousal, very tense looking. The tension was gone. She scooted closer to me on the couch - not touching me, but closer.

She said she wanted to try again (this has been a big part of the problem recently, she insists she doesn't care and has no interest in trying to be kind or even neutral). We've tried behavior charts lots of times, they have never worked, but I said we would try it once more. If she could keep a positive attitude for the week, this weekend I would do the yarn braids. It didn't mean she had to be perfect, but she had to at least try to be respectful to me and kind to her brothers.

The past week has been her best behavior ever. Of course, this doesn't mean Samry is healed, and we are starting to see her struggles come out in different ways, but more manageable. I can see moments where she is really struggling to get herself under control, but the exciting thing was she was trying. Not three weeks ago she would have been trying to escalate her anger, not neutralize it.

Our hope is that even if these periods of positive behaviors and interactions are short, they will help Samry discover and remember that it can be fun in a family. That she can have a good attitude and it's worth it to try. For the past year it has been impossible to get more than 2 days of calm in a row. We desperately needed a better foundation, something I am hoping this past week is providing.

This weekend, for 10 hours (yep, 10 hours) we put in her yarn braids. From a bonding perspective, it was important that I did it myself, so I did.

**Note: I realize this is a lot of personal information to share. I do it in the hopes that others in similar positions will be encouraged. Both in knowing they are not alone and giving them some strength to keep trying.

Truth Pandemic

2010-11-28T14:37:00.000-06:00

Please follow this link to watch a short video about HIV/AIDS. It's time for a tidal wave of truth.

World AIDS Day is Wednesday. Please use this day as a reminder to spread truth.

My little man is growing up

2010-11-23T16:08:00.000-06:00

Last month Teshome turned the big 6. He was beyond excited. He had decided almost a full year ago that he wanted a halloween party for his birthday. He told virtually everyone he met all year long that he was going to have a halloween party. I'm happy to report that we did not disappoint! It was his first friend party and it went great. One item of note however, 11 little children hopped up on sugar seems like 111 children.

In honor of Teshome's big day here are 6 things we love about him:
1. His joyful attitude. I have never known a child with such enthusiasm for life. Every day is an adventure. This is what I hear after school every.single.day. "Mom, I had another awesome day at school. It is so great. I love it." I love that his joy rubs off on other people.

2. His sense of humor. This kid loves to play practical jokes. Naturally being 6 many of them are related to bodily functions (actually for boys, I'm not sure age has anything to do with it...). The thing is, he is actually really funny and super bonus, the kid totally gets sarcasm. That's my boy!

3. He loves snuggles. Teshe is a child who hugs with abandon. When you get a hug from Teshe, you get a real hug. He loves to snuggle and kiss and cozy up with me any time. A lot of the time he will initiate the cuddle session. Funny, he has grown so much in 2 1/2 years, but he still fits perfectly in the crook of my neck when we rock on the holding time chair. Wishful thinking, but I hope he still fits when he's 26!

4. His try-anything spirit. Teshe can be talked into ANYTHING. Of course this will result in some questionable antics in the future, but right now I love that he is game for anything. He needs very little coaxing to try something new. He may not end up liking it, but he's willing to give it a try, and do so with a good attitude.

5. His compassion. Teshe is a child who genuinely loves and cares for almost everyone he meets. If a friend is hurt, Teshe is on the scene to make them feel better. He never holds back expressing his love and receives it just as easily. He has an incredible ability to build people up in relationships.

6. His smile. I realize this is not exactly a personality thing, but to know Teshe is to know his beautiful smile. When he flashes one of his smiles the room gets brighter, life is better, and I couldn't be more blessed. That smile is going to get himself out of many a pickle!

Teshe and Grandpa Fall 2009

Daddy and Teshe Winter 2010

Teshe shaving his "beard"

Teshe and his mommy Spring 2010

Teshe taking his bike off a sweet jump to impress the girls across the street...

A little gun show Summer 2010

Summer 2010

Teshe the awesome big brother

Teshe's first day of school Fall 2010

Fall 2010

Teshome Matias, age 6

Bad Blogger

2010-11-21T21:10:00.000-06:00

Sorry, so so sorry for the lack of posts. I promise a flury of them to come. I haven't talked about Teshe's birthday (he turned 6 last month) or Matthew (he turned the big 3-0 last month). There are things with Samry that I want to share - good and bad and of course the incredibleness that is Joshua. He had a monumental day last week.... but you'll have to wait for the update on that!!

Okay, off to do real chores and then I promise, nap time this week is earmarked for blog writing only!

Alright, here's a little hint about Jo-Jo's big day!!

2010-10-26T16:38:00.000-05:00

"In most of Africa the Churches have delivered more real development to people than all the governments, the World Bank and aid agencies combined. Africa's networks of priests, nuns and Church workers are one of Africa's most effective organizations. When states like Congo, Ghana, Angola, Mozambique and Uganda itself collapsed, the self-sufficient parishes used their moral authority to provide protection."

"In Africa every event has a spiritual cause or actor. Success in exams or football games, and disasters such as disease or death, all have agents, human or divine. There is no such thing as chance. Wealth and progress are obtained with the help of spirits or magic medicine. A Big Man has power, and that power cannot be challenged or questioned because behind his wealth or position lies spiritual power that enables him to accrue wealth and an important job. That sense of spiritual power is common to almost all of Africa, a whole dimension that outsiders ignore at their peril."

"But Uganda was where I first knew the paradox of Africa's beauty and evil. Here I lost my virginity, physical, spiritual, moral, and found Africa's huge patience and humanity - and its cruelty and violence."

"More than 50 per cent of Uganda's budget now comes from Western donors and there is not sign of this diminishing. So what went wrong?"

"It was politics. The deadly combination of internal competition for power and outside interference wrecked Africa."

"People had warned me about the culture shock of going to Africa. Nothing prepared me for the culture shock of coming the other way."

Richard Dowden, Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles (Chapters 2 & 3)

Approximate ages and older child adoption

2010-10-13T18:57:00.000-05:00

In older child adoption it is incredibly common to have an incorrect birthday, not by days or even months, but sometimes years. At the time we adopted Samry, our agency was allowing adoptive families to pick the birthday (if there was not one on record). As she did not have a birthdate on record, we opted to choose a birthday we believed to be most accurate based on the information and documentation we did have.

I know some families who believe in trying to "make" the child as young as possible - I know agencies that do that as well. All I can say about this is, NOT A GOOD IDEA. No one wants to wear a bra, shave their legs or have a mustache in 4th grade, and those are just the physical issues, never mind all the emotional ones. Pretending your child is younger than he/she is doesn't make it real. So, obviously we didn't do that, in fact we picked the oldest of the ages she could have been, knowing that generally kids in orphanage care look younger than they really are.

Fast forward to this summer. We decided to get a bone scan done for Samry. I was terrified that she was actually much older than we had originally thought and that puberty was coming right around the corner. Well, I could not have been more wrong. According to her bone scan, she was a good 18 months younger than we had her age. Oops. Big oops. In retrospect, I wish we would have done the bone scan right after she came home. I think it could have helped us in how we chose to deal with some of her behaviors.

Here's the important thing about bone scans - even if they are wrong - they are right. What I mean is, even if they are not accurate (meaning the reading is different than the true age of the child), the body will develop and mature at the age of the bones, so a child who is a bone age of 6, will behave, have the emotions and physical abilities of a 6 year old. They will develop from the point of 6. There is always a possibility of early onset puberty, but their bone age is what they are - practically speaking.

So, we were faced with a dilemma. Change her age and risk the anger now, or wait it out. I knew one thing, there was no way my eventually 16 year old on paper, but 14 in body and mind would be allowed to do the things that most 16 year olds can do. So, we could fight the battle now, or fight it later. We chose now.

We are going to legally change her age by exactly one year. I think it will be much easier if the date stays the same and only the year changes. I realize she could be about 6 months younger than that, but at least it's not 18 months. She is surprisingly okay with everything. In fact, she told me the kids teased her last year about being too old for first grade. Now she is right in line with most of the kids in her class.

Fortunately we did not have a friend party last year and it seems like most of the kids forgot how old she was over the summer. When asked she already says she is 7 - instead of 8 and this May she will have her 8th birthday - again!

Moral of the story - get a bone scan. I feel so much better having a more accurate timeline for Samry and I think she does too. There are so many missing pieces to our children's puzzles. I want to find all the ones I can. She deserves it.

Jo-Jo Bear

2010-10-04T07:54:00.000-05:00

His transition is going fantastic. Perhaps it's because this is our third time, so we're less anxious, less obsessive, perhaps it's just his personality, perhaps we just "click", but whatever the reason, Joshua has blended into our family seamlessly.

Right from the very beginning he was a Momma's boy. Even in Uganda he very quickly chose me above anyone else. Now he still does the same thing. He hardly ever reaches for other women and will usually only let someone else hold him for a short time before wanting to come back to me. Yeah, it is amazing. He stares into my eyes for his entire bottle, he loves snuggles and reading books together. The feeling is mutual. I am so in love with him. I am so lucky to be his mom.

He adores his brother and sister. Most mornings you will find Teshe and Joshua playing in my bed together. The giggles could melt stone. He wants to do everything the big kids do. I can tell he is frustrated by his inability to keep up. Something tells me, it won't be long before he can!

Since coming home he has improved dramatically. He has gained 4 pounds, has learned to pull himself up to standing, loves climbing stairs and just a few days ago started sitting back down from standing. I just cannot believe this is the same kiddo who only 2 months ago couldn't even crawl.

He isn't sleeping through the night - he gets too hungry, so he gets a bottle in the middle of the night. The only problem is that some nights he decides 3:30am is a great time to have a play session. Since he sleeps in our room (sometimes in our bed), he is difficult to ignore! He bangs on the sides of his crib yelling and laughing until we acknowledge him. Or if he's in our bed he climbs all over us, giggling and trying to give us kisses (which are very wide, open mouth kisses!). Definitely cute, but a bit less cute as it is 3:30 IN THE MORNING!!

I still cannot believe how smooth his adoption process went and how equally easy he has become a part of our family. We are so blessed.

Hiking at Fort Snelling Park

At the point where the Minnesota River and the Mississippi River meet.

Crusin' for chicks

At the corn maze - Jo-Jo was the navigator (the map is on his head)

In the "corn pool"

2010-10-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

"Westerners arriving in Africa for the first time are always struck by its beauty and size - even the sky seems higher. And they often find themselves suddenly cracked open. They lose inhibitions, feel more alive, more themselves and they begin to understand why, until then, they have only half lived. In Africa the essentials of existence - light, earth, water, food, birth, family, love, sickness, death - are more immediate, more intense"

"Stories of war and disaster are not made up, but they are only a slice of the reality of Africa. The new realities of Africa - mobile phones in the village, Chinese suits in the market, African multi-national companies - have been ignored."

"But aid agencies, Western celebrities, rock stars and politicians cannot save Africa. Only Africans can develop Africa. Outsiders can help but only if they understand it, work with it. Africa's history and culture, Africa's ways, are the key to its development, but they are as little acknowledged and understood now as they were in the nineteenth century when Europe colonized the continent."

Africa: Altered States, Ordinary Miracles by Richard Dowden

Samry's Family Day

2010-09-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Samry's Family day (the anniversary of the day she came home from Ethiopia). For our kids' "Family Day" they get to go do something special with just Mom and Dad. It's a tradition I am so glad we've started. It's surprising how even with only 3 kids it's tough to find one-on-one time. Having a special day is a great way to acknowledge them and spend time connecting.

The good news is Samry had a good time on her family day, the bad news, we totally forgot the camera. So, here's what we did sans pictures (sorry, I realize that is the best part): we went out to lunch at a local Chinese restaurant (yep, not Ethiopian - she LOVES chinese food). It was her first time experiencing a buffet. She loved it. The idea of being able to pick anything, try everything and go back as many times as she wanted was so fun for her.

After lunch we went to see a play/musical of Charlotte's Web. Charlotte's Web was the first chapter book I read to Samry and Teshe. It was a big deal and Samry really liked it (it was also the first chapter book my mother read to me). She was glued to the stage the whole time. She really likes the theater.

Once the show was over we went to Caribou for some Chai tea (her choice - over ice cream!). She felt very grown up sipping her tea - in the grown-up cup, complete with the lid, lounging on the couch, chatting at the coffee shop.

It was a nice day and a tradition I hope Samry will cherish.

A few pics from Uganda

2010-08-31T15:15:00.000-05:00

I didn't do much on my trip to Uganda - except hang out with my little man. I wish I could share pictures of awesome safaris or gorilla trekking or something cool. It really wasn't that kind of trip I guess! I do know that we will be back with our little brood to experience both Ethiopia and Uganda. I personally am lobbying for a trek from Addis to Kampala.

This was at Joshua's goodbye party.

This is us with Gladys, a very lovely volunteer who spent the past year caring for Jo-Jo.

The fair

2010-08-28T19:57:00.000-05:00

Today we went to the Fair -four out of the five of us had great fun. It was too much for one child and they chose to spend the day very mad. I sort of wondered if she wouldn't be able to handle it, but it seemed really mean to keep her from going, especially since Teshe had been talking about the fair ALL summer. I never know how to deal with that. I don't think it's fair for our family to miss out on fun stuff, but a child with a REALLY bad attitude can be very effective in ruining the day for everyone. At the same time the drama that will be waiting for me if she doesn't come along is sometimes worse than the behaviors at the event. Any thoughts from blogger land?

Now, on a positive note, pics from the day:

the pre-fair pic

the birth center.

It is a little ~~strange~~ gross to be in a public place and hear the following over the loudspeaker, "and here comes the afterbirth, yep you can see it coming right here."

our climber

the reason I go to the fair (food)

Good news!! He LOVES rides.

what? you didn't think someone could look so cool with a giant pickle on their head??

because one icee is never enough

plus now you know yellow and blue make green....

Jo-Jo

2010-08-22T20:13:00.000-05:00

Oh man, oh man I am in love. He is such a delightful little guy, I still cannot believe I get to be his mom! We did find out that he has pneumonia -again (5th time in the past 9 months). Hopefully the meds here, plus using a nebulizer will finally make it go away. It is such a blessing to have access to great medical care. It is so clear to me that if he had stayed in Uganda, his future was very short.

It sort of feels like a dream to have him home. We only just began this process a little over 4 months ago. In the world in international adoption that is a miracle. Especially when you consider that Uganda is not a structured program, court was technically closed when we had our hearing and up until literally a few weeks ago it was very hard to get visa's from there. It makes me wonder what amazing things are in store for Joshua's life.

He is doing great with the other kids and they adore him. I have A LOT of "help", sometimes a little too much! Teshe is doing really well being the big brother, although he is needing lots of positive reinforcement. The past two mornings he and Joshua were snuggling and playing in our bed together. It was so sweet to watch the two brothers. Later Teshe said to me, "Mom, Joshua is the best baby brother and I am the bestest big brother huh?" Yep, the bestest.

Samry seems to be doing really well with Joshua. She really likes babies and just keeps kissing him over and over again. She is trying really hard to be helpful with him and it is giving me opportunities to catch her in positive behaviors - something we really need.

Matthew has been a bit sick and somehow contracted poison-ivy while I was away so he has managed to get out of all diaper duty..... one starts to wonder if the poison-ivy contact was all part of some master plan to avoid the smelly side of parenting.....

All in all, I am blissfully happy.

And now, photos.

He LOVES to drum.

Brothers. It makes my heart melt.

Naturally no photo shoot is complete without "the guns"

And then there were five.

2010-08-21T08:37:00.002-05:00

HOME!!!

2010-08-20T00:45:00.000-05:00

We are home!! Whew, traveling with a baby by yourself is HARD WORK! So happy to be home. The kids are very excited about Joshua - nickname Jo-Jo (his nickname from the babies home) or Little J. Dr's appointment first thing tomorrow morning....

We leave tonight!!

2010-08-18T02:35:00.000-05:00

The bags are packed. I have taken one of my two naps for today (to prepare for the flights!!) There seems to still be water so I can even shower before coming home (you're welcome Matt!). We leave tonight at 9:50pm (same time zone as Ethiopia).

I don't think I have mentioned it here, but Joshua has been a bit sick for the past few days. Please pray it is just a little bug. Last night they had to take 2 children to the hospital because they were coughing up blood. He hasn't had anything like that, but I'm just worried. I did get him checked for malaria and strep this past weekend when he first got sick and both were negative.

Cannot wait to be home with my whole family!!

His Eyes

2010-08-16T03:30:00.000-05:00

I usually love traveling, but this trip has been a little hard for me. I think coming off of the past year with all the various stresses, I can't relax and enjoy a new place like I normally can. I am loving being here with Joshua, but I really cannot wait to get home with him (picking up the visa this afternoon).

Last night I was up, unable to sleep, sort of taking stock of everything - you know everything in life (cause that's a good way to get yourself to go back to sleep at 2 in the morning...) Anyways, it's no secret that this past year with Samry has been hard. At the end of September it will have been 1 whole year. Anyways, I realized that I have allowed the struggles with her to cloud my reasons and desires for choosing an "outside the box" family. I have become so defeated and bogged down by the hard parts that I forgot why I signed up for it in the first place.

I suppose it is easy to do, especially when the dreams in your head don't come close to reality. I mean that as much for my own behavior and responses to her as for her struggles. I honestly thought I would be so much better at being her mom. I know Teshe better than he knows himself, we are literally always in sync. With Samry, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt a moment where we were clicking. That is really hard. It's easy to think, "I'm up for this challenge" when you read about it in books or blogs or forums, but quite another thing to be elbow deep in that challenge with no end in sight.

Last night I was listening to my ipod and Brandon Heath's song came on, "Give me your eyes". And then I remembered, for the first time in a LONG time, why I wanted to be Samry's mom. No, it isn't a Savior complex, trust me, parenting an attachment challenged child will squash any amount of that in a person, but it wasn’t even that to begin with. It was because I had asked to see the world through His eyes and He obliged. When I saw Samry through God's eyes how could I not want to be her mom, no matter what the price?

I don't think this revelation will suddenly fix everything with Samry. I realize the road ahead is long and full of setbacks and misteps, but I am recommitted to asking God daily to help me see her through His eyes and hopefully someday my own eyes will catch up.

Thursday afternoon

2010-08-12T06:37:00.000-05:00

The embassy appointment went great. The embassy employees were helpful and very nice. I was a little nervous (you know big, scary US gov't and all), but it went fine. There seems to be some mix-up with our i171h still, but it sounds like that should be resolved by the end of this week. The good news, if all goes as planned I will be leaving next Wednesday night with my sweet little Joshua for home!!!!

Little J. Oh how I love him. Already his face lights up when he sees me (and no it isn't because I have a lollipop in my hand!). He is definitely a favorite around here and it is easy to see why. He is so content (unless he misses his afternoon nap, then I suggest you seriously watch out around 4:30). He smiles at you, but you have to earn it, which I like. He nods his head up and down furiously when he is excited and waves his arms about.

His laugh is more like a little squeal, and so worth the effort it takes to get him to do it. He is incredibly observant and will mimic the older children frequently. He will watch me do something, such as build a tower with legos, and then tries to do it as well.

He is a total biter and loves to watch the reaction of the person he has just bit (yeah, so at what point can you bite back?). He sucks his thumb and lays his head on my chest when he's tired. He likes to be naked, but hates getting changed.

Like Teshe, the only ticklish spot on his body is his upper legs. He loves it when people sing to him and trys to sing along (not with words, just sounds). He can say "mama" but right now everything is "mama" so I'm trying not to get too excited.

Made it!

2010-08-10T02:51:00.000-05:00

I made it here Friday night. First thing I went over and watched Joshua sleep for a while. Love that kid.

We are still waiting on our i171h approval - it was sent to Nairobi by mistake... BUT I do have an embassy appointment scheduled for tomorrow (Wednesday). The embassy will accept my paper copy for the appointment, but will not release the visa until they have the electronic. Matthew is working with the National Visa Center to get it sent to the correct place.

I also got strep two days ago. I am so scared I gave it to Joshua. He seems fine and luckily is going in today for a check-up so I asked the Dr. look him over very thoroughly. I was able to get meds for myself from a clinic here - which is good because I have pencillin allergies which makes getting antibiotics difficult.....

I will send some pics to Matthew later and ask him to upload here.

Leaving today!!

2010-08-05T08:13:00.000-05:00

am leaving today for sweet baby Joshua. I will definitely update from Uganda. I have lots more to share. Oh and some more good news: our i171h was approved on Tuesday, we received our paper copy yesterday and if all goes well it should be in Kampala by next Tuesday!! This was a really good week... the best part comes very late on Friday night when I am hoping to get there in time to give Joshua his midnight bottle.

The story

2010-08-04T08:36:00.000-05:00

Now that it's official I can share a little more of our story to Joshua.

Back in late winter there was a post on the hivadoption board about a baby in Uganda. As most of you may know I am not much of a baby person, so I didn't even open the email at first. But for some reason I kept getting pulled back to it and finally read it. I emailed Matthew, "hey, do you want a baby?" He (a HUGE baby person) of course responded, "heck yeah". And so it began...

I emailed the woman who had posted about him, got more information about his medical needs, the process in Uganda and where he was staying (Sanyu Babies Home). I contacted the administrator of the babies home and exchanged many emails to make sure we understood Joshua's medical needs. At that time he was very sick. They honestly did not expect him to make it through each day - he was in the hospital.

So, after thinking about it we decided to update our home study. After all they are good for a while even if we decided Joshua was not meant to be ours. We also thought it would be a good idea for one of us to travel over and meet Joshua in person. This would insure that we more fully understood his medical needs and weren't getting in over our heads. The adoption process in Uganda also tends to be much more unpredictable and I thought that if we had someone over there to start it and meet in person with the local contacts it could help.

It was decided that Matthew was the "rational, emotionally stable" one of our partnership so he went! The first email I received went like this, "Why did we think I was rational and emotionally stable again?" Followed by, "I am in love. Wish I could bring him home right now." We were all in. This was the end of May.

Because Joshua was so touch and go, I tried really hard not to get emotionally attached. We didn't tell really anyone because I was worried we would lose him and be reminded about it by well-meaning people asking how things were going. I bought only 1 outfit and absolutely nothing else. I hid the outfit in a closet I never went into.

In June we finished our home study update and spent a few weeks compiling and sending all the court documents to our attorney in Uganda. We do not have an agency, we are independent, something I can blog about more specifically in the future if people are interested in how it works. The key to being independent is finding a good attorney. We found a great one. She knew Joshua's medical conditions and knew time is critical.

Technically court closes from July 15 to August 15. By July 1, with no judge assigned, much less a court date I figured we would be waiting until September (the court opens again Aug 15, but usually doesn't start hearing cases until later).

July 13, there is an email from our attorney. "Your case has been assigned to Judge O. She will hear your case Friday." We read this email on Tuesday night around 7:30.... We called her (it was about 2:00AM there) to make sure this was real and she meant this Friday, as in 3 days away!!! After informing us it was quite early there, she said yes to both. So, I called my mom to take the kids, we went on Orbitz to get tickets, went to Target to get some baby supplies, threw some stuff in a bag and Wednesday morning we were off! July 14th was also our fingerprinting date for our i-600A, so we stopped at USCIS on our way to the airport to get fingerprinted!

July 16, We wake up and go over to see Joshua (me for the very first time) then head to court. He was sitting in the big highchair made for all the little babies to sit in. I recognized him right away, ran over to him, scooped him up in my arms and covered him with kisses. That was it for me. I may never be a full baby person, but I am definitely a Joshua person! Whatever attempts I had made to avoid getting attached were gone. I was committed. I was in 110%.

So the day after courts were technically closed Justice O generously agreed to hear 2 adoption cases, ours and one other. Due to some communication issues, we waited all day in fear that 5:00 would come and our chance would be gone. Our attorney finally showed up around 4:15... During the hearing I was terrified. No one had explained to us that the Judge will ask questions that would make us think she was going to say no. She didn't say a word to us only look at us critically over her glasses. Joshua was kind of fussy (he had been great all day). Went we left the hearing I was convinced the Judge was going to rule no. I was a basket case. Seriously I think everyone in the room wanted to slap me. Our attorney kept trying to convince me everything was going to fine, but I was just so emotional. It felt like I was already losing Joshua.

We spent the rest of the week with him falling more and more in love. We talked with other families and learned that the Judge has always sounded like that, but still I was so nervous. We attempted to get some additional elements of the paperwork finished and then in one short week we had to leave. Joshua's health has been a bit better, although he had been hospitalized in late June for pneumonia. I was terrified to leave him. I kept trying to find reasons why I had to stay - Matthew wasn't biting.

I really did need to come home. As I said we had NOTHING for a baby and no real plan for what to do with Teshe and Samry while I was gone. So I sadly boarded the plane for home. The nursery was done in about 4 days, the rest of his stuff was done within about 2 and I have lots of fun things lined up for Teshe and Samry while I am gone. I am ready to go back to my little J.

We are still waiting for our i171h (our Senator's office is helping to expedite), but we had figured it would arrive about a week after I went back. I am hoping to be Uganda for about 2-3 weeks. I leave on Thursday. I am staying at the guesthouse at the babies home where Joshua lives. I am hoping to be there for his midnight bottle on Friday night.

We are a family of five!!

2010-08-03T08:59:00.000-05:00

That's right, the Judge issued her ruling early! Introducing Joshua Atuhaire. My heart may burst from joy.

More pics to come later!!!

Flashbacks people Flashbacks

2010-08-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

So we are delayed again until Wednesday or Thursday. Starting to get a serious case of flashbacks to Samry's adoption.....
Our attorney said the Judge had some pressing matters come up and I do totally believe her, but still, I am hanging by a thread here.
I am still heading back to Uganda on Thursday to stay for however long it may take to finish the process (we are thinking 3 weeks). We are also waiting on our i171h approval. Our Senator's office is helping us with that. The officer should be issuing the approval tomorrow or Wednesday, but it still takes a week or so to get to Kampala. Ahhh, this is the part of the roller coaster I HATE.

Postponed until Monday

2010-07-30T12:37:00.000-05:00

The ruling was postponed again until Monday. Hopefully good news then...

2010-07-29T09:19:00.002-05:00

The ruling was delayed until tomorrow. Hopefully Friday will bring good news (and pictures)!

Home but with a hole in my heart

2010-07-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

We are back. That was fast! I leave for Uganda again on August 5th. I am anxious and nervous and so very lonely for Baby J. I wish I could show you his pictures. Our court date seemed to be okay, although I have no idea how the Judge will rule. I asked around about her and she has a very good reputation and seems to really put the children's best interests first. She gives her ruling on July 29th, hopefully.

Until we know we are J's family, I don't want to share too much. Adoption is a tricky thing right now in Uganda and I don't want to do anything that could be viewed in a negative way by Uganda or the US embassy. Once we know we are legally a family the floodgates will open and you will wish I would shut up about him!!

One funny little thing about him - when he is super happy or excited he likes to bite things.... specifically people.... especially me. He will grab my finger or hand or arm and seriously chomp down then look up at me with a big grin waiting for my reaction.

Like usual, please continue to pray. As soon as we know more I will post.

Amanda

We made it!

2010-07-17T07:02:00.000-05:00

We made it! We had court yesterday. It was very scary. The judge is supposed to make her ruling on July 29th. We won't actually be here when she announces it. If she says yes, then I will be coming back about a week later to do the US visa process. If she says no, then our attorney will request legal guardianship, which it sounds like could be granted right then (according to our attorney). Hopefully our attorney was able to make a strong case for full adoption due to his medical needs. I need to wait until the reading to post any pictures, but he is a cutie.

I met him yesterday for the first time. I recognized him right away. He has completely stolen my heart - and I am not a baby person! He is snuggly and really happy. He feel asleep in my arms yesterday and again today. I cannot describe how good that felt. I wish I could bring him home on this trip, but I still have a lot to get ready for him. Hopefully that will allow the time to go quickly for when I can come back.

Uganda is nice. In some ways it is similar to Ethiopia, but in others it is not. The people look very different from Ethiopians - but still very beautiful. Like usual I find myself blissfully happy on this continent.

Umm..... so

2010-07-13T21:55:00.001-05:00

Heh, I'm not really sure how to start this..... We leave for Uganda tomorrow??? I've sort of been keeping a secret. We have a court date on FRIDAY for our son... Yep, our 14 month old son. We weren't thinking we would have court date until September, and because of our son's medical condition we weren't sure what could happen so I didn't want to say anything. BUT a very gracious Judge has scheduled us for Friday. We found out today at about 7:00pm!!

We won't be able to bring him home with us this time. We are actually getting fingerprinted for our i600 tomorrow - on our way to the airport. So we have to wait for our i171h before we can get his visa. Obviously we will be begging our senator to help expedite and we are confident she will. As soon as we have that (hopefully 3ish weeks) I will be going back over there to complete the visa process (about 4 weeks) and bring our lovebug home.

Matthew actually went to see him in May (sorry I had to keep it a secret). Adoptions aren't as stable as Ethiopia so the process is difficult to predict. Please pray that the Judge will be favorable for a full adoption. We will definitely post more from Uganda and I will share more about our little guy after I legally can.

Love,
Amanda

A little rest

2010-06-22T17:22:00.000-05:00

Still fighting the good fight! Samry is actually staying with Matthew's parents for a few days, just to give me a little rest. I was getting to the point were I was already mad at her when I woke up in the morning - not a good place to start the day. So, she gets a mini vacation and frankly, so do I.

The two days before she left she was on perfect behavior - because she had heard me talking to Matthew about needing a break. I think that is a really good sign. A lot of attachment challenged kids would have wanted to totally burn the bridge before leaving. She, on the other hand, was trying to make sure the bridge was still there for her to come back across! And of course it is. I am hoping that when she comes home I will feel a little more renewed and ready to meet each challenge with grace and love.

Bad Blogger

2010-06-13T21:57:00.000-05:00

I have been a very bad (a.k.a lazy) blogger. Sorry. Lately I haven't felt much like blogging. Things are really tough with Samry right now. Remember a while back when I said she was holding all her emotions in? Ha, well she isn't doing that anymore...... So the good news: we are getting some real emotions, the bad news: they are really strong emotions.....

School ended last week, transitions are hard, really hard for her.  She doesn't know what is going to happen next. It makes her very scared and when she is scared she acts out. She is also kind of mad because one of her biggest enablers - her ESL teacher - isn't going to be in her life for the next three months. That means one less person she can manipulate. She's real crabby about that one. What's funny about it is she can admit that's why she's mad.  Because she can't "play games" with Mrs. A. Really, her words.

School was a bumpy road this year. Academically she is doing very well, she is working hard and is almost totally caught up. She is going to summer school this summer, but I am doing it more to help her keep a routine than for the actual school. Socially it was a much harder year.  Learning social skills is so much harder for her than learning academics. It's hard to watch my kid ostrasize herself with her behavior, it's even harder for her. I am hoping this summer will give her a chance to smooth out some of the edges and rough spots so she can start fresh next year - I hope the other kids let her have another chance next year.

In other news, Teshe is his usual wonderful self. Poor guy - he rarely gets a mention on here anymore. He is Mister Popular who still struts wherever he goes. He does have a girlfriend.... That's right, the 17-year-old across the street.  He used a pick-up line on her the other day. He shouts from our driveway - "Hey you have nice legs!"  I blame Uncle Johnny. But, I must say, it did work.  She is quite smitten with him now.

The boys

2010-06-04T20:26:00.000-05:00

Wow, life has been busy. Matthew was out of town for a while, my mom got sick so I was watching the boys, then I got sick. Yep, it's life.

The boys are doing great. I am really enjoying having new additions to my family without having to be their mother. Maybe that sounds weird, but I get a huge grin when they need to be "parented" and I don't have to do it! Evil laugh. For the past 2 years the additions have been my children, whom I love, but are a lot more work than brothers!

A little more about them, Berhane (the oldest) is curious about everything. He is into everything - he just wants to experience it all and soak up every minute of it. He is very determined and frankly doesn't enjoy the word "no" (who does). He seems to like most every food he is given and tries it all with gusto. He and I have been playing chess a lot - he has yet to be beat me (what? I'm suppose to let him win?). He is very intelligent and has the most charming smile I have ever seen. He flashes it often (clearly he has discovered it's charm).

Tsegaye is all about sports. He is already begging for soccer camp (anyone in MN know of a good one for a 13 year old??). It was his birthday May 26. He had a great party. My mom had bought him, Berhane, Teshe and Samry gigantic water guns. Perhaps she should have mentioned they were not to be used in the house before commencing the water fight. Tsegaye likes incredibly spicy food - he can match Samry in spice and I have never seen someone do that. He isn't as sure about American food. He is more reserved and doesn't need to be the center of attention. He likes to swim and listen American music - mostly hip-hop. He has a bit of a dry sense of humor that is easy to miss if you're not paying attention.

And now what you really want - pictures! These are from their very first day home.

Today

2010-05-23T07:35:00.000-05:00

Berhane and Tsegaye arrive at their new home today. To be honest, I am a mix of emotions.

Yesterday, about the time they would have been saying their last goodbyes to the other kids and Sisters at KM, my heart physically hurt for them. I cannot imagine being 15 and 12 years old and having to leave everything you have ever known behind. How would I feel if at age 15 I had to leave everything and move to another very different country with virtual strangers? Even if I was aware that there were more opportunities for me in my new country, my grief would be incredible. Make no mistake, while their previous life was difficult, there was joy in it.

Of course I am so excited to see them. I cannot wait to hug them and help them become a part of our family. But, I am not naive, this process will be hard for them. Out of everyone, they have the most work to do. I am watching my daughter go through it. It's not easy to watch someone you care about deal with such profound loss. So today as we celebrate a new chapter for our family and the addition of two incredible human beings, my heart will also be a little heavy, because I am aware just how much was lost for us to gain this incredible gift.

The boys

2010-05-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't shared this yet... My dad left for Ethiopia today to bring home the boys. Assuming all goes well they will be home next Saturday. That's right, 8 days!

I had sort of been keeping another secret this whole time..... I had to BUT, now I can tell it. It's a good one.

The boys knew my parents were going to adopt them before we even left with Samry. My parents really wanted to tell them and the boys could tell something was up (you know with all the longing, loving stares my mother was giving them....). So they got permission from Sister L to tell the boys.

It was the last day of our trip. The boys go to the Kidane school attached to the orphanage. My parents had put together little welcome bags to give the boys, we had spent the morning shopping for watches for each boy as well as some photos, a letter and a few other items, and they were waiting upstairs in a private living room for the boys. I went to their school to find them. They were both in their classrooms. I saw Tsegaye first. I knocked on the door, apologized to the teacher and said I really needed to speak with Tsegaye and would need him for the rest of the day. Then onto Berhane's room. Once I had both boys I said they were in deep with Sister L and should probably wipe those grins off their faces (because really I needed to start my big sister tormenting immediately). I told them they needed to follow me. Of course I couldn't keep the grin off my face so they knew something big was going on.

I brought them to where my parents were waiting. They asked the boys to sit down. Then my dad said, "We didn't come here thinking this would happen, but we've prayed a lot and we feel that God is leading us to ask you to be our boys." Then my mom said, "do you want to be our sons?" She barely got it out and Berhane said, "YES." Tsegaye had a look of shock and joy. Then my parents told them about their other kids (me, JD and Luke) and many other beautiful things were said. I was able to get it on videotape which marks the start of an incredible new journey for everyone in my family.

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T10:11:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there. Here is another great piece by Nicholas Kristof. Let's turn Mother's Day into Mothers' Day.

World AIDS Orphan Day

2010-05-07T08:51:00.000-05:00

Today is World AIDS Orphan Day. I'm not totally sure how I feel about it. On one hand I love the exposure it provides, hopefully getting people to start paying more attention to the over 25 million children affected by HIV/AIDS. On the other hand, it simplifies something that cannot be so simple. What I mean is it simplifies the children into a neat little package, "AIDS orphan".

We hear the word, nod our head in sympathy and maybe give a few bucks and move on. In some ways it allows us to be more complacent. In truth, EVERY day is World AIDS Orphan day. Where do we think these kids are the other 364 days out of the year? They are still there, waiting for someone to speak up for them, empower them, see them for more than just the title "AIDS orphan".

A link

2010-05-03T09:56:00.000-05:00

This is a link to a very powerful post.

A few warnings, there is a lot of swearing and strong language, but the message is incredibly thought provoking. It is about adoption and more specifically the screwed up nature of adoption. She talks about the recent situation with the little boy from Russia and the issues with adoption in general.

It is quite long and definitely not for everyone.

Here is one of my favorite quotes: "This is not to say that everything about adoption is wrong, but everything about adoption is painful. For our modern, legal concept of adoption to exist, families must be broken. Adoption is not, and can never be, a best-case scenario. It relies upon the worst-case scenario having already come to fruition. From there, you’re working with what is instead of what should be. That should be will never go away. For the entire lifetime of everybody involved in adoption, that should be exists, and it hurts. What is can still turn out to be wonderful, beautiful, incredible, but what is will never be what should be."

Consequences

2010-04-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

I have to say figuring out discipline/consequences that work for Samry has been rather difficult. There are many reasons for this, first of course is the attachment struggle, but also the lack of value material possessions have for her, and a history of no real discipline.

In the beginning we tried a lot of taking toys away. That was laughable. For a child who had been used to nothing, losing her Barbie was a joke. So from there we tried the 5 minute cards. For every 5 minute card she received that's how early she would have to go to bed that night. The problem was she could really rack up those cards! So, at least according to the cards she was suppose to be going to bed at dinner time or right after. Not so feasible, which meant that we couldn't always follow-through which of course meant it wasn't a very good punishment. One good thing we discovered was that she HATED going to bed early. So, at least now we had found something that would get her attention, but it still didn't really work - because once she got 1 card she would just try to get as many as she could - because hey, she had already "lost" (in her mind). Might as well go out with a bang.

More recently we have used something totally different. It has taken a little getting used to. It's sometimes hard for me to think that she is "getting away" with things, but what I am starting to understand (I'm a little stubborn) is that until she is attached, until she understands the concept of a reciprocal relationship nothing else really matters. So now as much as possible, her consequence is that she has to "make it up" to the person she wronged.

For example, Sunday Samry had a rough day. She chose to behave unkindly to me. Because of that she had to "make it up" to me. Yesterday she dusted the house (as she becomes increasingly attached the more intimate the "make it up" can be - like scratching my back or brushing my hair or reading me a book - right now that would be too intimate). So, that was her punishment. What it did was give Samry the opportunity to right the relationship with me AND (this is the big part) it gave me the opportunity to praise her - "Samry what a great job you did dusting. Nice work." That praise is huge for her, it's genuine and helps her learn how relationships are a two-way street. She responds incredibly well to this new technique.

We have actually started to use this with Teshe too. It is a really effective parenting tool and I think just as helpful for me as a parent to remember to keep my focus on the relationship. It's easy to focus on the behavior, but pointless until the relationship is stable.

So, there you go! Hopefully it will be as helpful to some of you as it has been for us.